February 7- 

After the weekend, today was a tough day.  I don’t remember much from the day and looking back I feel like I was on auto pilot at work.  Fortunately, it was an easy day at work.  I came home to a package from Raun’s mom.  She sent us a garden stone in memory of Samantha to put out come Spring.  Right now, I wish Spring would come soon and that this was all a dream.  As the evening went on I didn’t do much and prepared myself for tomorrow.  My co-teacher has been gone through this whole time and I know I will have to tell the whole story.  I keep wondering, will it ever get easier to tell people about this.

 

 

February 6- 

This is the first day back to church since it all happened.  Interestingly enough, most people there didn’t know that we were pregnant yet, therefore they didn’t know what we had just gone through.  Truthfully I don’t remember much from the service.  Apparently Raun’s grandma had talked to Pastor Anita letting her know what had happened.  She came up to us telling us she was sorry for what had happened and she wanted to chat with us about it.  The odd thing was, she never did.  She never asked any more questions, didn’t say anything else, never chatted with us.  I am not sure how I feel about that.  From what I have heard Pastors, as well as other clergy, have a tendency to take on the God perspective saying it would be better this way, this the way God wanted it, those kind of things.  I am not sure that would have been overly helpful.  Yet at the same time, it is a little frustrating that she never touched based after saying that she would. 

 After church we headed home, to a once again empty house.  Barb had left a little package that had a book about infant loss, necklace with a lily and tear drops, as well as a beautiful card.  Raun and I sat down to order a special necklace.  It has tiny hand stamped footprints on the front side of a heart pendent, Samantha’s initials stamped on the back, and two birthstones-January for when she was born & July for when our original due date was set.  It looks absolutely beautiful online and I can’t wait until it comes in the mail.

 The rest of the day went through as a bit of a blur and in the evening I prepared to go back to work tomorrow.  Not sure if I can ever be fully ready.

 

February 3-

Today was my first day back to work.  I felt helpless going back knowing that I was leaving Raun home sick with the flu and a nonworking furnace being replaced on one of the coldest days this year.  In all honesty I wasn’t sure I was really ready for this.  Part of me said yes because I needed to get out of the house and try to continue on with the one thing I knew was normal.  I ended up being called to open which was helpful in knowing then that I would be the first out.  I walked into a quiet building, with a hello from the desk.  It was a slow start to the day, some staff stopped by my room to see how things were going and to welcome me back.  Sherry came in and gave me hug right away.  She also checked on me throughout the day.  As kids started arriving I received a lot of “good to see you back” “welcome back” “I’m sorry for your loss” “you and your family are in our prayers” “we’ve been thinking about you” “nothing like getting back into the routine to take your mind off things” “let me know if I can do anything for you”, as well as a few parents sharing their stories.  It was a long day of a few ups and a lot of downs.  Many calls down to get someone in my room so I could leave and go cry in the bathroom.  I was glad when Katie came into the room at nap and said that after nap I was shifting my couple extra kids next door and I could leave early.  I was happy that my co teachers were so understanding.  By the end of the day I was more than ready to go home.  On my way out Erin gave me an envelope of stuff from some of my parents.  And fortunately Sherry was walking out the door with me.  We chatted outside for a bit. Then I got into my car to leave.  I looked at the envelope of stuff and then drove home in tears all the way.  When I got home Raun was beginning to feel better and they were almost done with the heat.  The remainder of the evening I cleaned up some for tomorrow and then chilled for the night.  I know tomorrow will be a long day, and a tough one too.

 

 

February 1-

Raun went back to work and I was on my own for the day.  I set up a time to meet him for lunch in order to get out of the house and get a chance to see how his first day back was.    I wrapped up getting the house put back together for the weekend.  During the night I got up feeling hungry, decided to eat a little, and then got hard hit with the flu.  I was down for the count all night, getting next to no sleep.

February 2- 

I spent the whole day on the couch trying to get better and ready myself for going back to work. I have never been this sick before in my life.  This is definitely something that I didn’t need on top of everything else that was going on.  To top it off, it was the coldest part the year and our furnace was going out.   Lying on the couch I had a lot of time to think and I came to the conclusion that I was not sure if I was ready, but at the same time, staying home by myself much longer probably wasn’t going to be a good thing.

 

January 30-

My parents came up for the weekend to visit and hang out.  It was a good way of assuring we would get out of the house for a little bit, as well as have others to talk to.  After going out for breakfast, we were on our own, at least it seemed like it.   I don’t remember exactly what we did for the remainder of the day.  I feel like I just moved through the day in a daze and numb to my surroundings.  I worked on getting the house more cleaned up because we had people coming over at the end of the week.

January 31-

After a long night, we had the whole day ahead of us. For most of the day I just sat around, trying to take it easy.  Raun and I went out to a few stores to get out and do something.

 

January 29-

Woke up, in tears and Raun and I holding each other.  Weekend-Mom Dad Up-Katie stopped in the am with a gift from primrose and Dunn Brothers coffee for us and to see how we were doing also told me that I didn’t need to be back til Thursday and if I wouldn’t be up for that that was okay-psw gave us let’s dish meals to last a lot of meals (as of 2/21 still had stuff left, cause we mixed in cooked meals) a peace lily plant (with dragon fly in it), and cash (we put it towards Samantha’s name being engraved on the wall)-mom and dad came up for the remainder of the weekend, we went to cheeky monkey to eat dinner, talked a little throughout the night

© 2017 MyInfantLoss.com Suffusion theme by Sayontan Sinha
Sharing Buttons by Linksku