I visted again last week (May 18).  This time a friend came with.  She had asked me if she could go with me sometime.  Since the last time I wrote about a visit, I had returned two more times (May 11/May 18) .  Each time I go, take it all in, and listen to my surroundings.  Last week when I went with my friend we talked and caught up.  I haven’t seen her since the memorial service that she joined us at.  When we got there we visited the grave site.  Now, it is placed next to the May 5 little ones.  I can’t believe three months have gone by already.  Some days it still feels like yesterday and some days it seems like years ago.  It was a beautiful sunny day.  Lots of nature things happening.  Spring had finally really shown with birds abundant and flowers blooming.  My friend asked questions as we were there and we traveled from the grave site to the wall.  Before we got into the car to go to the wall, I heard a wind chime in the distance.  I couldn’t see it from where we were, but I could definitely hear it’s notes on the wind.  As we were driving I saw where it was hanging so delicately from.  Incidentally at the top of the chimes, was a cardinal.  At the wall we were surrounded by birds on the pond and the sweet smell of lilacs.  We stood at the wall for a moment.  I touched your name and then we continued on back home.  I still wonder, if Samantha knows when we are there.  This time while touching her name I began to feel a sense of peace. 

 

Today I visited.  It was the first time back to the cemetery since the service and memorial.  I first stopped at the memorial wall.  We had received a letter in the mail saying your name had been inscribed onto the wall.  I found your beautiful name on the wall.  I touched it. I said it over and over in my mind.  I took a few pictures while I was there.  Then it hit me like a wall.  The tears began to flow-tears of sorrow, tears of frustration, tears of wonder, tears of why, tears of peace.  I went to the grave site then.  Although there was no grave stone yet I could tell that it was the right place.  Could you tell that I was there?  I felt that your presence was there.  Why?… Because as I walked back to the car I heard a cardinal.  And before I opened the car door I began to hear several more cardinals, singing their song.  They seem to say “I’m okay mommy.  I am in good hands”.   When I got home I put a lovely memorial stone your grandma gave us in our garden and place maroon pansies and yellow snapdragons around it.  So delicately a yellow flower had landed on the cross on the stone.  I took several photos of it feeling a sense of peace flow over me.

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