Nearly one year after experiencing our loss, I hit a point of near desperation.  I wanted so much to be pregnant again.  I wanted to grow our family.  I would beg and plead with God to let it happen.  When month after month went by, I broke down.  I was beside myself.  I wondered if we would ever be pregnant again.  I wondered if I was only meant to be a mom of an angel baby.  In the midst of this we make the decision to really try.  Meaning, I tracked and I temped all in hopes of finding the right day.  I thought by putting focus on it this way would make things come together.  As more time went by, I think I got more frustrated.  Then came Memorial weekend and we decided to go camping.  I love to camp, but as this was like a mini vacation I didn’t want to put forth the effort of temping every morning.  So, in a way I gave up or should I say gave in.  I was putting more stress on myself than was necessary.  It took me going camping and not willing to bring a thermometer with and wanting to wake up to the sun verses an alarm clock.  After that weekend, I stopped temping and tracking.  I realized that if I kept it all up our relationship would loose some spontaneity and I didn’t want things to be monotonous.  Looking back now, I fully believe that by giving in to this and letting go rigidness of tracking allowed me to have less stress and eventually getting pregnant again.  I began to realize that if I took the focus off of it, things would happen easily on their own.  Just two months after giving up tracking and temping we got pregnant.

The time between loosing Samantha and finding out we were pregnant again was about a year and half.  Sometimes that time seemed like so long and it wore on my emotions.  There were moments when I was hopeful and knew things would work out, knowing that I would have a child in heaven and child on earth.  I would one day have the chance to raise children of my own.  There were moments when I thought my dream of raising children of my own would never come true.  It’s hard to not put so much attention and focus on something when it is something your heart yearns for so much.  I learned that sometimes, now matter much you want something, you need to turn your focus onto something else and then all the pieces will begin to fall into place.  If you would have told me that in the midst of that year and a half, I would have laughed it off not fully believing it.  Now that we are on the other side of it all, I can see how sometimes putting too much attention onto something causes more stress.  Sometimes we have to given in, let go and the pieces will come together.  Easier said then done.  But when you lighten your load, your emotions and your physical being will be appreciative.  Things will happen naturally.

 

 

 

To be honest after Samantha died the thought of being pregnant again, let alone trying again was one of the furthest things from my mind.  Not to long after our loss, I dove back into my work.  It was familiar and it took up a majority of my day, week, and time.  Meaning that it took up a lot of my brain, so I could push things down emotionally and physically.  Finally after months of ten hour days at work working with children it finally hit…I needed to truly let myself grieve.  I hadn’t really done it, thereby I hadn’t taken care of myself.  I figured if I don’t take care of me, I can’t take care of my husband and our relationship, and I can’t take care of the other things going on in my life.  I needed to make a change, something that would allow me to take care of myself and let myself grieve so I could begin to heal.  Then I would be able to give attention to the important things in my life.  I thought I had been taking care of myself by blogging about my experience and getting back to a normal routine.  But things were different now, I was different.  By the end of the Summer I decided to make a big change, I gave up my classroom as a full time teacher to become a part time sub in the same building.  By doing that, I was able to allow myself the time to let the healing process begin.  I began to meet with others who have walked a similar path weekly.  I could share my story, experiences, and what I have learned.  I was able to help myself, help others, and build a few deep connections.  Once I began to make these changes and spend some time on myself to work through things, I was able to begin to think about trying again to get pregnant.  Up to that point, I was if it happens it happens.  But now, I felt ready enough to be pregnant again.

 

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