Are you willing to take risks? 

This was a question that came across my email (http://www.pursuingyourcalling.com/take-risks-in-your-calling/?gseaftercommentingmodal) from a group called “Pursuing Your Calling” that I joined.  I joined the group months back when I began to think that I needed to take a break from teaching.  However, taking a break from teaching meant having to figure out what I would do instead.  Hmmm….what would I do instead?  I had learned and acquired a lot of skills through my years of teaching I could easily transfer, but what would I transfer them to?  That seemed to be the magic question.  So, through 48 days.net I came across the group and they send out weekly emails, as well as blog post questions and stories.  After doing some deep searching and a lot of thinking I came to the conclusion I wasn’t ready to completely give up teaching and working with children.  I knew I needed to find a happy medium between what I was doing, what I wanted to do, and where I wanted to go with it.  Not to mention, what I what I wanted and need to get out of it. 

Woodbury Days Parade celebrating my teaching achievements

With teaching comes a lot of responsiblities, some stress, and some worries.  This can all be taken in stride, but doing it for 10 hour days, 4 days a week was getting to be a little too much for me.   Don’t get me wrong though, there are definately rewarding sides too, but I was beginning to loose sight of these.  So, after many talks with Raun and many talks with my bosses we came to many conclusions.  I say many because we would come up with an idea, that in theory, sounded good but in all praticality wasn’t going to work.  Finally after spending an evening walking down by the river and talking Raun helped me to come up with a great idea.  Why don’t I switch over to subbing and on call?  We both knew that it was something that my work needed.  I am able to go into any room and do what is necessary to help things get through the day.  Plus, I have my bus license so I can help out with school bus runs and field trips.  It seemed like a great idea.  It would give me the flexibility to choose my schedule, as well as give me what I feel I need.

What do I need?  I feel that I need more me time, more time with Raun, more time with family and friends, and time to share my story.  Having the flexibility in my work schedule will allow me to do this.  My bosses were on board.  They liked the idea, but also didn’t.  They understood that this was something I needed, but they were sad because they feel that my skills are best utilized in a classroom.  That’s where I am at my best.

On the North Shore

At my best?  Well, maybe before the loss of Samantha.  As the Summer months wore on, my best was slowly going downhill and I was loosing sight of why I wanted to be a teacher.  This, will give me the break I need to refocus and better understand this new path I am on.  To be honest, when back to school time came around I was okay with not having a classroom of my own any more.  A friend and co-worker said to me “then it means you have made the right decision and you are ready”.

Ready or not…my subbing schedule now goes into affect.  After having made the decision a month ago, this up coming week it goes into effect.  Honestly, at first I was like “oh crap!”, but then after taking a deep breath and remembering why I decided to do this I was okay again.

Here’s to taking risks!  What risk or risks are you taking or have you taken recently?

 

 

February 6- 

This is the first day back to church since it all happened.  Interestingly enough, most people there didn’t know that we were pregnant yet, therefore they didn’t know what we had just gone through.  Truthfully I don’t remember much from the service.  Apparently Raun’s grandma had talked to Pastor Anita letting her know what had happened.  She came up to us telling us she was sorry for what had happened and she wanted to chat with us about it.  The odd thing was, she never did.  She never asked any more questions, didn’t say anything else, never chatted with us.  I am not sure how I feel about that.  From what I have heard Pastors, as well as other clergy, have a tendency to take on the God perspective saying it would be better this way, this the way God wanted it, those kind of things.  I am not sure that would have been overly helpful.  Yet at the same time, it is a little frustrating that she never touched based after saying that she would. 

 After church we headed home, to a once again empty house.  Barb had left a little package that had a book about infant loss, necklace with a lily and tear drops, as well as a beautiful card.  Raun and I sat down to order a special necklace.  It has tiny hand stamped footprints on the front side of a heart pendent, Samantha’s initials stamped on the back, and two birthstones-January for when she was born & July for when our original due date was set.  It looks absolutely beautiful online and I can’t wait until it comes in the mail.

 The rest of the day went through as a bit of a blur and in the evening I prepared to go back to work tomorrow.  Not sure if I can ever be fully ready.

 

February 3-

Today was my first day back to work.  I felt helpless going back knowing that I was leaving Raun home sick with the flu and a nonworking furnace being replaced on one of the coldest days this year.  In all honesty I wasn’t sure I was really ready for this.  Part of me said yes because I needed to get out of the house and try to continue on with the one thing I knew was normal.  I ended up being called to open which was helpful in knowing then that I would be the first out.  I walked into a quiet building, with a hello from the desk.  It was a slow start to the day, some staff stopped by my room to see how things were going and to welcome me back.  Sherry came in and gave me hug right away.  She also checked on me throughout the day.  As kids started arriving I received a lot of “good to see you back” “welcome back” “I’m sorry for your loss” “you and your family are in our prayers” “we’ve been thinking about you” “nothing like getting back into the routine to take your mind off things” “let me know if I can do anything for you”, as well as a few parents sharing their stories.  It was a long day of a few ups and a lot of downs.  Many calls down to get someone in my room so I could leave and go cry in the bathroom.  I was glad when Katie came into the room at nap and said that after nap I was shifting my couple extra kids next door and I could leave early.  I was happy that my co teachers were so understanding.  By the end of the day I was more than ready to go home.  On my way out Erin gave me an envelope of stuff from some of my parents.  And fortunately Sherry was walking out the door with me.  We chatted outside for a bit. Then I got into my car to leave.  I looked at the envelope of stuff and then drove home in tears all the way.  When I got home Raun was beginning to feel better and they were almost done with the heat.  The remainder of the evening I cleaned up some for tomorrow and then chilled for the night.  I know tomorrow will be a long day, and a tough one too.

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