In the past two years I have often wondered what Samantha would be like now.  What color would her hair, her eyes have been?  What features would she have had of her dad’s or mine? What would her personality be like?  Would she be laid back like her daddy or have his sense of humor? Would she have my sense of organization and creativity? Many other thoughts and questions have run through my mind over the many months.

Lately, when I look at Timothy I can’t help but to wonder even more.  Our little guy is irresistibly adorable.  I know, I am his mom…I am supposed to say that.  But I am not the only one who has said it.  I wonder what features he has that his sister would have had.  I also wonder what kind of sister she would have been to her baby brother.

Day by day, I see Timothy’s personality starting to show through and I know that he has a great big sister.  I am sure there would be some similarities, but each have their own uniqueness.  Samantha has a big job…she is a guardian angel to her little brother.  He’s one lucky guy to have someone so special watching over him.

One day we will all visit the cemetery where Samantha is, take a few photos, and reflect a little.  Down the road we will share with Timothy about his big sister.  For now, I get to see a little bit of his dad, sister, and me in him.

 

From here on out, everything we encountered would be new to us.  In just a few short weeks we went to the perinatal to have a complete scan and ultrasound.  We also got to find out that we were having a boy.  Throughout the early stages of our pregnancy I have been very lucky.  I’ve gotten the chance to hear our little one’s heartbeat every couple of weeks.  This has helped calmed my nerves greatly.  I have to be honest though, there were times in between appointments that I would send an extra prayer or two through the day up to God, as well as nightly prayers that included our baby growing bigger and stronger each day, as well as continue to be healthy.  I still had ups and downs of emotions as time went by.  We began receiving items for Timothy, something that I hadn’t experienced with Samantha.  We also got the nursery completed.  Such a cute room for our little guy and I was excited to see it completed.  However, I also felt guilty that we never got the chance to even begin to get a room ready for Samantha.

Our pregnancy this time around has been completely different than the first time.  I am not sure if I have worried more than those who haven’t experienced a loss, but are currently in their first pregnancy or not.  I know I have run through a lot of emotions.  When I’ve been asked how I am feeling, my usual response is good, excited, a little nervous.  For whatever reason, the a little nervous seems to throw people off some.  I am nervous because this is all new to me.  I am nervous because I know what can happen and things don’t always go the way you think they will.  I am nervous because, while I have a child already, in most people’s eyes I am a first time parent.  This will be our first child that we will get to raise and watch grow up.  As we get closer to our due date I am getting more and more anxious.  Everything is set up and ready to go.  Any day now we will welcome Timothy into our world and get to see him in all his cuteness outside of an ultrasound.  Somewhere down the road we will share with him about his sister.  How he is blessed to have an angel watching over him.  For now, our family of three has grown to four and I couldn’t be happier.  Timothy is our rainbow after the storm.  The road has been tough at times, with lots of twists and turns, with moments of happiness and joy.  The road ahead, will be filled with just as many twists and turns, as well as great moments and memories.  Who knows, maybe one day, our family of four will grow again.

 

We found in August of 2012 that we were pregnant again.  We were on vacation and at the end of the week I took the test.  It was a little surreal.  I was very excited and couldn’t wait to share.  In the midst of the excitement of telling people, a few weeks later I began spotting.  Seeing this was sobering.  Before I was so filled with joy and excitement, that seeing the spotting quickly brought me to the ground and I began to feel very scared and nervous.  This couldn’t be happening again.  We had waited so long to get pregnant again I didn’t know if I could handle loosing another child.  We had an early ultrasound, 7 weeks along, and it showed that the spotting that was happening was perfectly normal and should only last a couple of weeks.  I was still filled with some uncertainty and worry, but I was also feeling okay because we got to see the baby and things at that point looked healthy.

One month later we finally had our fist doctor appointment.  I was nervous and anxious going into the appointment.  It was at our fist doctor appointment with Samantha that things began to turn down a different path.  So, I was a bit apprehensive until we got to hear and see our little baby.  Everything looked good and sounded healthy.  With everything that happened the fist time we were pregnant the doctor wanted to do some extra things early on, so we had an early ultrasound at 14 weeks.  We got to see our baby, hear the heartbeat, and got a few measurements done.  Everything was looking good and going smoothly.  I was becoming less and less nervous and worried.  The joy of having another baby was taking over more and I began to feel more excited.  As we got closer to 17 weeks I couldn’t help my nerves and emotions get the better of me.  This was a turning point for us.  We had another doctor appointment right at 17 weeks. Hearing the heartbeat calmed my nerves.  I had had a lot of Halloween candy that day, so our little one was very active.

 

 

Over the past few months it has been hit or miss on whether or not I write.  I haven’t felt a draw in one direction or another to go in for my blog posts.  Plus, I have been focused on our current pregnancy.  We only have a few more weeks before our little guy arrives into this world, so I have been writing a pregnancy journal to add to his baby book.  Over the past few nights I haven’t been sleeping much and when I awake in the middle of the night I have been getting ideas of what to write about.  So, I have decided to write a little bit about the journey we have been through over the past two years after losing Samantha in regards to trying to get pregnant again and being pregnant again.  Over the next weeks I am going to write two mini series about my experiences.  The first one will entail posts about trying to get pregnant after loss and the second one will entail posts about being pregnant after loss.  I encourage you to join me on this journey as I share by sharing your own experiences and thoughts as I go along.

 

With the fact that we have only a month and half left to go before Timothy makes his appearance, it is quite obvious at this point that I am pregnant.  So, now when I am out shopping or out to dinner I have been asked a lot when I am due.  That is an easy question and I have no problems answering it with a giant smile.  However, there is always a question that follows…is this your first?.  That question I hesitate and with a half smile say yes.

I have a daughter already and a son on the way.  That means two kids.  But if someone doesn’t know my situation, I can’t seem to say I have two children.  I am not sure why I don’t say two when talking to someone I don’t know.  Maybe it’s because I don’t want to make them feel uncomfortable or maybe I am not truly ready to explain to people that I have one daughter in heaven and one on the way.  I feel guilty about it and it breaks my heart to say it.

I know that this all a part of the healing process after the loss of a child.  I also know that, from experience, that trying to get pregnant and being pregnant after such a loss brings about a lot of mixed emotions.  I honestly thought that I would be able to easily tell people I have two children.  I guess that is a stepping stone that I have come to but I am not quite ready to step out onto yet.

I hope that there comes a time when someone asks me how many children I have that I can answer without hesitation or without holding back the actual number.  As of today, that number is two.  Could be more down the road depending on where my path leads me.  One day, I will be able to step on the stone and continue down the road of healing.

 

Bundle of joy, bundle of nerves pretty much sums it all up right now.  We are at the 20 week mark…halfway there.  We met some milestones, like finding out that baby L is a boy.  In 20 weeks we will get to see what Timothy looks like, other just in ultrasounds.  Up until this point I have been, shall we say cautiously excited.  I didn’t know what it was like to be pregnant past 17 weeks.  Thankfully, we’ve been going to the doctor every two weeks, so it has calmed my nerves some.  Now the nerves I have are just like any other parent.  While we are parents and have a daughter, this will be our first baby coming home…our first round of learning how to parent.  Makes me a little bit nervous, wondering if I will be a good parent and if I will know what to do.  I have been around other kids, working with infants, but it is different when it is your own child.  Sure, some of the basics are there…like feeding, diapering,and  sleeping, but there is so much more and that’s what makes me a little bit nervous.  I guess that’s only normal, so while we wait for our bundle of joy to arrive I will need to work on my bundle of nerves.  At least I know I have a lot of good resources that I can turn to for help.

 

 

 

 

 

We are 17 weeks and have 23 more to go…almost halfway there.  I am so full of joy and happiness, we are pregnant with our little rainbow.  But at the same time, I am a little scared and nervous too.  We made it to 17 weeks with Samantha.  With Samantha, we knew earlier on that things didn’t look quite right.  There was extra fluid around the neck and abdomen, leading the doctors to believe it was Turner’s Syndrome.  Fortunately for us, it is not genetic and there was nothing we did wrong that caused it.  It is a chromosome disorder that is rare to occur and even rarer to happen again.  Even so, with Baby L we are considered high risk.  Our doctor wants to be sure that nothing is missed this time around.  So far that means I am on restricted lifting, no big deal really…except when it comes to work.  Otherwise, life as normal so far.  Up to this point with Baby L there hasn’t been any concerns.  All ultrasounds have looked great, good heart beat, everything forming the way it should, no extra fluid, and baby is even measuring a little farther along…an extra 2 days farther.  So with that I am not as nervous, but a lot more hopeful.  Yet I can’t seem to shake that deep down feeling, which I guess goes with the territory.

We had our 17 week appointment this past Wednesday.  Apparently you can eat too much Halloween candy, because I did that day and Baby L was dancing around in there having lots of fun.  With that said, all still looks good and a great heart beat.  The doctor still has no concerns.  A load has been lifted and I have been sleeping a little bit better the past few nights.  Next milestone to look towards?  19 weeks and a Level 2 ultrasound…we get to find out if Baby L is a boy or a girl.  I can’t wait!  Now I just need to keep my mind busy for the next week and half, so time will pass a little bit quicker.  Still hoping and praying each day that Baby L continues to get bigger and stronger and is a healthy baby.

 

The past year and a half has been a roller coaster of a ride.  From learning how to grieve and begin to heel after the loss of Samantha, to deciding to try again to get pregnant, to the months waiting for our hopes to be fulfilled.  This ride has had many twists and turns, ups and downs.

After months, the pieces have all fallen into place.  We are pregnant again!  At this point, we are a little over 6 weeks along.  So far I am tired, hungry, and nauseous all the time.  From what I’ve heard, all are good signs of a healthy pregnancy.  As the months move forward I will continue to put updates up.  All my thoughts and how things are going.  In April we will have a little bundle of joy to bring home with us!  Our little rainbow

 

I have been thinking on and off throughout the day about how to begin and write this post.  And once beginning, I ended up walking away for a little while and did a little cooking to refocus my thoughts.  For whatever reason when I am cooking my thoughts seem to come together better and then I am ready to write.  The same thing happens when I go for walks.  This post is on emotions.  Sounds simple right?  But it seems to become more complicated when you loose a child and when you begin to try to get pregnant again.  Something that becomes more intricate because everybody grieves differently.  There are some people out there who just get it, others who try, and yet others who never truly understand.

Emotions are a complicated thing.   I have experienced emotions that I have never really experienced since Samantha died.  I am not the jealous type, but in the early stages when I saw others that were pregnant it made my heart ache.  I so wanted to be pregnant again.  To be able to bring home a healthy baby.  They had something I wanted.  I learned to move past this by telling myself that I didn’t know their story.  Maybe it was easy for them to get pregnant, but maybe it wasn’t.  Or maybe they were facing similar trials like I was.  I didn’t know their story and what led them to where they are now.  This seemed to to help and as time passed the feeling lessened.  Eventually it went away.

I never knew before now that you could be happy and sad at the same time.  Overall, there were times…even multiple days in a row that I would be sad for what seemed to be the whole day through.  However, looking at an individual day or moment in the day I was able to recall being happy and laughing.  This was one of the hardest things for me.  My child died, I am grieving but yet it is okay to smile, laugh, even find happiness and joy.

The decision to try again came with a flood of new emotions.  Sometimes overwhelming, sometimes confusing, sometimes just plain scared.  I have been learning different ways to de-stress and refocus.  I have been placing my energies into walking more, doing more creative projects, organizing, and spending time with people who mean a lot to me.  I have people tell me so much to not think about it.  This only caused me to think and focus, even obsess over it.  This is why the refocusing.  I have to leave it up God.  It will happen when the timing is right.

I can only imagine the emotions that will come when do get pregnant again.  Joy, happiness, excitement. Scared, nervousness, fear, worry.  Sometimes the thought of being pregnant terrifies me a little.  I believe this feeling comes from having experienced the death of our daughter.  There are so many different outcomes and it can seem terrifying, scary, or overwhelming.  It is my belief that when do get pregnant again I have the comfort of knowing that we have a phenomenal support system around us.  Sure there will be times of nervousness, but knowing we are surrounded will bring a sense of peace to help lessen that feeling.

And so continues the flood of emotions.

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