This may be the end of “The Story”, but it is also the beginning of what unfolds in the days, weeks, and months ahead.  This will be the last post from my journal entries. 

Needless to say, the following days ahead brough many up, downs, twists, and turns.  The physcial side of everything seemed to slowly fade away, while the mental and emotional, even sometimes social aspects of it all seemed to come through more.  Some days it was only on side of things I had to face, other days it was all.  They could start out just fine, and with the drop of a hat I would hit the wall, run to the bathroom and breakdown.  It could go the other way too.  I could start out with tears in my eyes all the way to work, then be pretty good for the rest of the day.  I don’t know if Iwould just numb myself to get through the day or what.  But the days began to come and go in a way the used to.  I was different, but the basics of the day were the same.  I know that the mental and emotional side will never truly go away.  It will always be there, I will just lern how to deal with things better.  This type of thing never goes away.  It will always be a part of me.  I will never “move on”, as people have told me to do, I will only “move forward”.  Samantha is a part of me, she always will be.  I will still grieve, it will just be less and it will change as time goes by.

Did I have my major melt downs?  Of course I did.  I even had a few blow ups, but I learned from them and oddly enough they helped me to move forward.  I continued to visit Samantha, once the warmer months had arrived and her name was written on the wall.  I learned to live life a little differently.  I knew things would trip me up and I took them as they came.  Deep down, they are making me stronger.  I am not sure how yet, but somewhere down the road things will be connected and make more sense.

My journaling seemed to go from writing every day to get through the days and the weeks, to writing weekly to sum up the week and really take a good look at what happened.  Then it got spaced out considerably by talking about things as they came up from month to month.  All of the good, the not so good, and everywhere in between.

Don’t worry though, take heart, I will still continue to write, but it is time to change things up a little.  I will continue to share my story, but in a different light.  I am “moving forward”.

 

 

February 6- 

This is the first day back to church since it all happened.  Interestingly enough, most people there didn’t know that we were pregnant yet, therefore they didn’t know what we had just gone through.  Truthfully I don’t remember much from the service.  Apparently Raun’s grandma had talked to Pastor Anita letting her know what had happened.  She came up to us telling us she was sorry for what had happened and she wanted to chat with us about it.  The odd thing was, she never did.  She never asked any more questions, didn’t say anything else, never chatted with us.  I am not sure how I feel about that.  From what I have heard Pastors, as well as other clergy, have a tendency to take on the God perspective saying it would be better this way, this the way God wanted it, those kind of things.  I am not sure that would have been overly helpful.  Yet at the same time, it is a little frustrating that she never touched based after saying that she would. 

 After church we headed home, to a once again empty house.  Barb had left a little package that had a book about infant loss, necklace with a lily and tear drops, as well as a beautiful card.  Raun and I sat down to order a special necklace.  It has tiny hand stamped footprints on the front side of a heart pendent, Samantha’s initials stamped on the back, and two birthstones-January for when she was born & July for when our original due date was set.  It looks absolutely beautiful online and I can’t wait until it comes in the mail.

 The rest of the day went through as a bit of a blur and in the evening I prepared to go back to work tomorrow.  Not sure if I can ever be fully ready.

 

January 30-

My parents came up for the weekend to visit and hang out.  It was a good way of assuring we would get out of the house for a little bit, as well as have others to talk to.  After going out for breakfast, we were on our own, at least it seemed like it.   I don’t remember exactly what we did for the remainder of the day.  I feel like I just moved through the day in a daze and numb to my surroundings.  I worked on getting the house more cleaned up because we had people coming over at the end of the week.

January 31-

After a long night, we had the whole day ahead of us. For most of the day I just sat around, trying to take it easy.  Raun and I went out to a few stores to get out and do something.

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