As I am bouncing my new little guy, I am thinking about Mother’s day.  For those facing a loss, Mother’s Day can be hard to take in.  And when it’s your first child, then what do you do.  Is it still a celebration? It may seem weird to celebrate being a mom when your baby isn’t in your arms, but you should celebrate being a mom.  Honestly, it will be tough, it was for me.  Mother’s Day came just a few short months after we lost Samantha.  It felt right to do a little something, but I also wanted the time to reflect a little as well.  We spent that Mother’s Day enjoying the warmth of the sun (after a very long, snowy Winter), enjoying a coffee beverage & pastry from a local coffee shop, and sitting down by the Mississippi River.

That was two years ago.  It was my very fist Mother’s Day and my daughter was in heaven.  Now, I get to celebrate Mother’s day with her in heaven and our new little guy who arrived in April.  I am a mom times two, but it doesn’t look like it to most people.  We are blessed to have Samantha watching over us, like a beautiful angel.  It all just seems a little surreal.  I am a new mom, but yet I am not.  I have been a mom for two years, but have had different responsibilities than a typical mom does.  And yet, right now I am a first time mom because this is our first child that has successfully made it.  Some time down the road we will have the opportunity to explain to Little Guy that he has a sister.  But for now, I am relishing in the fact that I get to watch him grow…a little too fast it seems sometimes, but I get to watch him grow, change, and learn.  He is such a blessing.  We received a photo frame with a beautiful quote that really says it all: “We made a wish and you came true. And we thank god for the gift of you.”  We made a wish years ago to have children.  The path that we thought we would have taken and the one that has been laid in front of us are two very different things.  While there have been struggles, I wouldn’t change a thing.   I am a mommy x 2!

Happy Mother’s Day to all!  Even if you aren’t able to hold your children in your arms, they are always in your heart.  And even if others can’t see all your children, it doesn’t mean that you aren’t a mom.  You are, and always will be.  Be gentle to yourself today and try to find some joy in it.

 

 

Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms out there.  Whether you hold your children in your arms or your heart you are still a wonderful mother.

Thank you to my mom and all the other women who were like a mom to me.  Thank you for all that you have done, your wisdom, and your hugs.  Thank you for being there, believing in me, and your friendship.  You have given me hope, strength, and encouragement over the years.  I believe that one day I will be a great mom and it’s all because of you and what I have learned from you.  Thank you!  I love you!!

 

Raun and I have faced many holidays since we lost Samantha.  She died in January so we have faced Easter, Mother’s day, Father’s day, and Thanksgiving so far this year, and soon we will be able to add Christmas to the list.  The first year of holidays is tough.  I have run the gamut of emotions.  I am happy to be with family and celebrate, but saddened because Samantha was not there to be a part of it.

Thinking back to when our due date was, she would not have been born yet for Easter, Mother’s day, and Father’s day.  We would have still been pregnant at the time had there been no complications with the pregnancy.  Either way, because of when she was born, January, we faced those holidays without our daughter here on earth.

Fortunately, we have been blessed with a very supportive family and strong group of friends.  With them, it has been easier to get through the holidays.  Instead of moving through them in a blur, I have been able to be present and to find some joy throughout them.  On each of those holidays, our family has honored and remembered Samantha in some way.  Even though she is not here on earth, she is still a part of our family and our family holds her closely in their hearts.  They show it through their words, prayers, and cards.

I know this may not be the case for others out there who have lost their little one(s) through miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss.  I have heard stories of people’s relationships becoming strained with their family members, in-laws, or even their spouse after the loss of their child.  Sometimes, even friendships are broken because of the loss.  My heart aches for those who have lost this supportive circle.  Most of the time it is because people just don’t know what to do or say, so it becomes easier for them to ignore what happened.

Holidays can bring the best or the worst out in people, no matter what their life situations are currently.  The holidays bring a different disposition to most people.  For those who have experienced the loss of a child, this time of year becomes tough in a whole different way.  They are celebrating a holiday, but they aren’t able to have their little one with them physically to celebrate it too.  This creates a tension.

So, I want to help give you the tools to create a plan in hopes that you will find your burden a little less and that you can  find happiness and beauty in what is in front of you.  I will provide some things for you to think about and help set steps towards a holiday plan.  Your answers and feelings may differ than your spouse’s, so be sure to sit down and talk through these things together.  I will also share with you what my husband and I will be doing.

Raun and I are truly excited for the holiday season.  Yes, we will miss Samantha and will feel saddened that she won’t be here physically to celebrate with us.  But, we do know that she will still be celebrating with us in spirit.

I send you extra thoughts, prayers, and hugs during this holiday season.  I wish many blessings for you and strength.  I hope you may find some beauty and joy in the season.  Your little angel will be near in spirit, holding your hand and guiding you through.  Lastly, I pray for peace for you.

 

 

Today I take a break from posting another part of “The Story” to take a moment to reflect on this special day given to mother’s to celebrate all that they have done, do, and will do in the years to come.  Mother’s are a very important part of our lives.  From the moment life begins, they are always there.  The connection and bond are deeply seeded, and only grow as their child grows.  At some point the child becomes more of a friend.  Even though you may have lost a child, whether it be sometime during pregnancy or any time after, you will always feel that bond with your child.  It is a deep, deep seed that lies within your heart.  Life changes, goes on, but you will never forget.  And that’s okay.  We always will remember.  The toughest question for me to answer right now is when other people ask me “Do you have any kids?”  Insntantly my mind says “yes” but as of yet, that’s not how it comes out.  I think I am fearful of what the question will be to come and how to answer.  Some day, the answer will be easier to give.  But for now, I will relish in the fact that yes, I am a mother and I have a beautiful daughter who is resting safely in God’s arms.  I found a quote today that I find says a lot: “Mother’s Day is a day of appreciation and respect. I can think of no mothers who deserve it more than those who had to give a child back” ~ Erma Bombeck.  We are all mother’s in one way or another.   Happy Mother’s Day to all the mother’s out there.

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