This post is getting out a little later than I anticipated, but I have been trying to decide what to write about this week.  I have been writing some poems lately.  The words just come to mind and then one line begins to flow into the next.  Before I know it I have a complete thought and a finished poem.  I have been trying to decide if I wanted to share them or keep them to myself.  The idea of writing has come easily to me generally, but poems come in short bursts.  The first one I wrote was for our Christmas card we sent out in 2011…our first Christmas without Samantha.  Now that poem is a key part of Samantha’s Dragonfly.  I have decided that poems are as equally as good as one of my normal blog posts.  The first poem is the one that I created just before Christmas and goes with each dragonfly that I make.  So, with a little hesitation still, here goes…

Dragonflies

Such beauty and grace, delicate and light

Washing calm and peace throughout

Bearer of comfort and strength

A little messenger, dropping by to say hi

Sometimes lingering, sometimes just but a moment

Soaring high, sparkling in the sun

Heavenly connection, closer to you my angel

Tears

tears streaming down almost like rain on the window

tears of sadness, of loss, of frustration

tears of hope, while giving in

tears of unanswered prayers

tears, the words of our heart

 With Each Storm, Comes A Rainbow

As the sky darkens

As the storm rolls in

As the rain begins to fall

My thoughts begin to wonder

Then as the rain begins to quicken

The lightening begins to flash

The thunder rolls

My focus shifts and my thoughts quiet

The sky begins to clear

Blue sky and white clouds

As the storm moves off into the distance

In between a beautiful rainbow

And there is calm

I am a mother

I am a mother

On the inside I know

But on the outside it doesn’t show

While my little girl rests in my heart

She is held by God’s loving arms

 

I grieve and I heal

I grieve and I heal

Sometimes I am happy

Other times I am sad

And yet I may be both at once

On the outside things may look good

But on the inside I may be falling to pieces

I may be falling to pieces on the outside

But on the inside I am cleansing my soul

It’s process with no finish line

I learn as I go and may not always understand

I grieve and I heal

 

 

I have learned over the past several months that words are no longer just words when it comes to dealing with an infant loss and all the grief that comes with it.  Words can either be helpful or they can be detrimental.  It all depends on where the person is in their process, what is said, where it is said, and where the emotional/mental/physical state of the person hearing the words is.  It is all about context and timing.  The best of intentions can easily become the worst when the timing is not right.  I have experienced this several times over the past few months, but two stand out in my mind.  One time, I knew I was feeling a little off.  Something didn’t quite feel right.  I was a little more sensitive and couldn’t quite figure out why.  Well, it hit me at then of the week on the Friday right before Mother’s day.  It wasn’t until a parent gave me hug and whispered to me saying “my thoughts and prayers will be with you this weekend”.  Aha, now I know what was going on.  The struggle of, am a mother or am I not.  I gave birth to child, but that child went to heaven and I went home with a box.  So, am I a mother or am I not.  As simplistic as it gets, yes, yes I am.  However, on a deeper level, I don’t feel like one.  So, the struggle still continues as I learn how to deal and process with all of this.

 

 

Today I take a break from posting another part of “The Story” to take a moment to reflect on this special day given to mother’s to celebrate all that they have done, do, and will do in the years to come.  Mother’s are a very important part of our lives.  From the moment life begins, they are always there.  The connection and bond are deeply seeded, and only grow as their child grows.  At some point the child becomes more of a friend.  Even though you may have lost a child, whether it be sometime during pregnancy or any time after, you will always feel that bond with your child.  It is a deep, deep seed that lies within your heart.  Life changes, goes on, but you will never forget.  And that’s okay.  We always will remember.  The toughest question for me to answer right now is when other people ask me “Do you have any kids?”  Insntantly my mind says “yes” but as of yet, that’s not how it comes out.  I think I am fearful of what the question will be to come and how to answer.  Some day, the answer will be easier to give.  But for now, I will relish in the fact that yes, I am a mother and I have a beautiful daughter who is resting safely in God’s arms.  I found a quote today that I find says a lot: “Mother’s Day is a day of appreciation and respect. I can think of no mothers who deserve it more than those who had to give a child back” ~ Erma Bombeck.  We are all mother’s in one way or another.   Happy Mother’s Day to all the mother’s out there.

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