When we found out that Samantha’s heart had stopped beating and that we would have to be admitted into labor and delivery, I didn’t know what to expect or do. Not to mention, at that point I wasn’t thinking very well as the emotions that ran through me were so strong. I asked the nurse on the phone what we needed to bring with and one item she mentioned was a camera. I didn’t really think much about it, I just tossed my point and shoot camera in the bag as we walked out the door. I am happy to say, I am very thankful and blessed for that piece of advice. We were able to get a few pictures of our sweet baby girl. The nurses were great at helping take photos and doing different things. Things at the time I had no idea why. The only comment, “you may not realize it now, but down the road you will be thankful to have these”.
That nurse was right. We are lucky to have photos, as many who experience a miscarriage or stillbirth do not have the chance to take photos. We may not have many, but the one’s we do are a treasure. I know now that there are organizations out there of professional photographers who come in and will take photos of the parents and their baby. It’s a great service, however your little one usually has to be considered stillbirth age in order for them to come in. For those having a miscarriage, especially early on, we are left to not having any photos or taking our own if possible. It is my advice, that no matter how far along you are, take photos. Take as many as you can or have someone you know help you out.
We recently had professional photos done of Timothy and us. This is an opportunity we didn’t get with Samantha, so when the chance arose I jumped quickly at it. One of the best parts of the session was that we had family photos done…family photos of all four of us. Using some special items that were Samantha’s or reminded us of her, we were able to snap a few photos of all of us. The photographer was great and even before I got started in showing what we had for “props” she was asking if there items of Samantha’s that we wanted to include. I was in awe and felt blessed that she remembered, as well as recognized our daughter. She even asked Samantha if possible to send a real dragonfly down during the shoot. We didn’t see a real one that day, as our time outside was limited to small windows due to rain. However, while taking photos outside we were surrounded by all the garden art dragonflies that we have.
So, when you have the opportunity take photos. You can never have to many, as they all will be a treasure down the road.
In the past two years I have often wondered what Samantha would be like now. What color would her hair, her eyes have been? What features would she have had of her dad’s or mine? What would her personality be like? Would she be laid back like her daddy or have his sense of humor? Would she have my sense of organization and creativity? Many other thoughts and questions have run through my mind over the many months.
My doctor’s office is also connected to the hospital. On our way in to the clinic I saw a couple walking out into the hospital area with one of the nurses from my doctors office. If I had to guess, they were about to walk a similar path that Raun and I have been walking. I don’t know what I looked like on the day I walked out of the clinic after hearing the news that Samantha’s heart had stopped and we had to return to labor and delivery, but I would bet I had a similar look on my face as well.
It’s been just over a year and half since we said hello and goodbye to our daughter. The time has, in some ways, gone by quickly…yet in other ways, not so much. I have seen how it has affected my husband, my family, my friends, my work, and myself. When everything first happened, I kept trying to find the “right” thing in memory of our daughter. I began to realize that some of these items are just things and don’t truly represent our daughter and don’t seem to have as much meaning. I have the important things in a keepsake box, displayed on our family wall, and in my heart. Every now and then I do try be creative and create something personal. Recently, I created a family ring. It has my husbands birthstone, Samantha’s, and mine.
Recently, my mom shared the completed project that she began working on at the beginning of the year. My parents felt the need to do something in Samantha’s memory, so had a bench donated in a memorial garden through a local hospital near them.
As we move throughout life there are always times we wonder. It seems that when there is change it cause us to wonder more. When the change is welcomed, the wondering seems to provide a positive exciting spin on things. However, when the change is not well received or completely unexpected the wondering seems to take on a different spin.
I am choosing to call this a hurdle. Some see it as a “the dreaded question”, which is not to say that I haven’t thought of it that way. I recently had a change of perspective after talking to a friend. What is this hurdle? This question?
When a couple is faced with the loss of a child and having to be in the hospital, the nursing staff plays a key role. They can either be helpful or harmful to the whole experience. There are a few moments which are still vivid to this day. Some of the people we encountered, doctors and nurses, left quite the imprint-both in good ways and bad ways.
But I am grieving, how can I be happy? Is it possible to do both? If I am happy, does that mean that I hurt any less?
