Most people think that enough time has gone by, I am fine and everything is back to normal.  But, in reality, it doesn’t work that way.  I manage my way through the day as normal as normal is now.  However, the little things pop up totally unexpectedly and the reaction is just the same.  My word of advice, be cautious in your words and make sure you really fully understand what is going on before you let the words go.  Even the best of effort, can be a pitfall for the person.  It is nice to know “we” and our situation are not forgotten about, but it all comes down to timing and how it is said.  Remember we have all lost someone close to us, but losing a child is not like anything anyone has faced before.  I ask that you let God guide your words.  Then they will come out right, with the best of intentions, at the moment that person needs most to hear them.

 

The other time was just recently.  I know the person had the best of intentions, however the delivery was a little off and awkward, not to mention the timing was poor.   A co-worker of mine had gone in the night before because her water broke.  The next day a different co worker came to me part way through the day and said “I just wanted to know I am thinking about you.  I know this must be difficult because so in so was having her baby.”  I know her heart was in it and she meant well, however it pretty well did me in.  I was already having an internal struggle between work and personal that the thought hadn’t crossed my mind.  In fact, all I was thinking about was yeah, congrats, I hope it all goes well.  Now, all of a sudden another layer is added in and all I can do is cram it down.  She didn’t know, she was just trying to be helpful.  She wanted to let me know that I am not forgotten.  I am thankful for her try, yes, because even after 4 months there are days it feels like yesterday.

 

 

I have learned over the past several months that words are no longer just words when it comes to dealing with an infant loss and all the grief that comes with it.  Words can either be helpful or they can be detrimental.  It all depends on where the person is in their process, what is said, where it is said, and where the emotional/mental/physical state of the person hearing the words is.  It is all about context and timing.  The best of intentions can easily become the worst when the timing is not right.  I have experienced this several times over the past few months, but two stand out in my mind.  One time, I knew I was feeling a little off.  Something didn’t quite feel right.  I was a little more sensitive and couldn’t quite figure out why.  Well, it hit me at then of the week on the Friday right before Mother’s day.  It wasn’t until a parent gave me hug and whispered to me saying “my thoughts and prayers will be with you this weekend”.  Aha, now I know what was going on.  The struggle of, am a mother or am I not.  I gave birth to child, but that child went to heaven and I went home with a box.  So, am I a mother or am I not.  As simplistic as it gets, yes, yes I am.  However, on a deeper level, I don’t feel like one.  So, the struggle still continues as I learn how to deal and process with all of this.

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