What does your heart puzzle look like?  Mine is filled with Raun, Samantha, family, friends, the future, and myself.  What is a heart puzzle?  It is how your heart is divided up.  For those of us who are more visual, like me, think of your heart us a puzzle.  It is made up of different pieces of your life.  Over time those pieces change.  Just like any other puzzle, if a piece is missing it’s not complete.  Likewise, you can not move another piece to fill that spot.  Your heart is complete, whole, no holes.  You may change the number of pieces or what they represent, but no matter what it will still be complete.

Holes, voids call them what you want.  It is that inner feeling that you get when you loose someone close to you.  There is a spot that never feels quite the same.  Over time that void seems to fill back in, but never the same as it was before.  It is forever change, but it fills back in.  No matter what, there is still a part of you, a part of your heart that has been forever touched.

When you are expecting a child, an addition to your life, the pieces of your heart puzzle seem to gain another piece.  When you loose your child through miscarriage, infant loss, or stillbirth you still have that spot.  It is reserved for that special little one.  It is only for them and nothing will replace that spot.  When you grow your family, more pieces are added.  Your heart is complete, ever changing, your life.  The things you yearn for, hope for are what is in your future.  Over time, you will take those things from your future and they will become a spot all their own in your heart puzzle.

When Samantha went to heaven I felt a deep void, a hole if you will.  Over the past few months I have so desperately wanted to be pregnant and grow our family.  To have that void filled back in.  Having another child won’t fill that feeling of void back in.  It will add another piece to the puzzle.  What I realized recently is that in a way, that void has been filled back in.  In the center of it is Samantha and what her little tiny footprints have left behind.  It has been filled in by all that Samantha has taught me, the support that I have around me, and a new perspective on life.  As much as I wanted to have the chance to raise our little girl, I know she is in good hands.  I believe some day soon, I will have the chance to raise our children here on earth and some where in the future we will all meet again.

If you were to fill out your pieces, what would they look like?  Start with you in the middle, make sure there is a spot for future, then fill in the rest with what is most important and brings the most meaning in your life.  So, what is your heart puzzle?

 

How will you remember your little one?

There are so many ideas and possibilities out there of what you can do to remember your little one.  Really, the sky is the limit.  Do what resonates with you in your heart.  Do what feels right.  Share your ideas with your spouse, family, and friends.  See if your loved ones have ideas as well.  Some ideas are: you could visit the cemetery, make a donation to charity in their name, decorate a wreath in memory of them, burn a candle over the holidays, hang a tree decoration, or light a candle at church.

                We are looking for just the right ornament to hang on our Christmas tree.  I am also considering getting a special stocking, if I can find one that resonates within my heart.  I am pretty sure, at some point in the month of December; we will make a trip to the cemetery and memorial wall.  We are including a special dragonfly and poem in with our Christmas letters this year.

 

So, how will you remember your little one?  What is your plan?  Share below your thoughts, tips, or ideas.

 

       

   I take heart in knowing that other’s still care.  But truly, I feel that only a few truly understand.  Some around me try to understand and just go with the flow, not having experienced this themselves.  Some try to understand and try to say the right thing.  And there are some who do truly understand, have walked the path, yet say nothing. 

         There is someone close to me that has no idea truly, what I am going through, however her kind words echo through my mind and my heart.  When I don’t know where to turn, when I feel completely overwhelmed, when I don’t understand my emotions I turn to those words.  Sometimes saying them helps, sometimes it makes me stop and think, and sometimes it just resonates.  One of the things that she said was “I truly believe that everything happens for a reason”.  I agree with her, though it is tough to hear and to take in some times, God lets everything happen for a reason.  As much as I would love to know is why this, I also know I will never truly know why.

       She also said that I was one of the strongest people she knows, if anybody can get through this I can, and based on that she knows that I will ge through this and that one day I will truly be blessed in a big way.  Hmmm…I am strong.  Do I feel like that?  Sometimes I do.  Other times when the tears are flowing I think, really?  Am I really strong?  I may not always agree with that statement, but having someone else believe it, helps me believe in myself.  One day, I will be able to stand up tall and say with confidence “I am strong”

 

 

Today I take a break from posting another part of “The Story” to take a moment to reflect on this special day given to mother’s to celebrate all that they have done, do, and will do in the years to come.  Mother’s are a very important part of our lives.  From the moment life begins, they are always there.  The connection and bond are deeply seeded, and only grow as their child grows.  At some point the child becomes more of a friend.  Even though you may have lost a child, whether it be sometime during pregnancy or any time after, you will always feel that bond with your child.  It is a deep, deep seed that lies within your heart.  Life changes, goes on, but you will never forget.  And that’s okay.  We always will remember.  The toughest question for me to answer right now is when other people ask me “Do you have any kids?”  Insntantly my mind says “yes” but as of yet, that’s not how it comes out.  I think I am fearful of what the question will be to come and how to answer.  Some day, the answer will be easier to give.  But for now, I will relish in the fact that yes, I am a mother and I have a beautiful daughter who is resting safely in God’s arms.  I found a quote today that I find says a lot: “Mother’s Day is a day of appreciation and respect. I can think of no mothers who deserve it more than those who had to give a child back” ~ Erma Bombeck.  We are all mother’s in one way or another.   Happy Mother’s Day to all the mother’s out there.

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