Gary Allen has a new song out called “Every Storm (Runs out of Rain)” that strikes a cord with me, especially deep down in my heart. It is not only touching emotionally, but it also has a way of sticking with me mentally as well. There are times when I find myself repeating the chorus of the song over and over in my mind.
“every storm runs, runs out of rain
just like every dark night turns into day
every heartache will fade away
just like every storm runs, runs out of rain”
Grief is kind of the same way, it runs out of strength so what ever storm you are going through slowly fades. With the loss of a child, that grief does and will fade, however it never fully goes away. It looses it’s strength and it’s hold. I will forever miss Samantha, that will never change. There will still be some what might of been moments, uneasiness with pregnancies, and some sadness around special days but as time passes by I will continue to heal and the storm won’t be so strong. With healing I will be able to find joy instead of sadness on those days and a with a renewed perspective I will continue to grow. This storm may never completely run out of rain, but it won’t stay a storm forever. One day it will become a light rain, refreshing the surroundings around me and washing the memories over me. Remember that with every storm things are different. Each takes it’s own path and it’s own time to run out. But, by surrounding yourself by those who understand and letting your voice be heard, you will begin to heal and you can find strength again.
Take a listen to this beautiful song. I hope you can find the strength you need to work through your storm.
Holidays are a time of joy and celebration, filled with making new memories, celebrating traditions, and spending time with loved ones. Holidays can also be a time of confusion, sadness, and uncertainty if you have lost a loved….recently or years ago. It doesn’t matter how long ago it was that you lost someone special, there is still a tinge of sadness that hits you during the holiday time. If has been recent and someone who has lived a long time, you begin to wonder what will happen to the usual traditions of the holiday time now that they aren’t there to celebrate. If it is someone younger, you sometimes try to figure out ways to start new traditions in their honor and memory.
I have been thinking on and off throughout the day about how to begin and write this post. And once beginning, I ended up walking away for a little while and did a little cooking to refocus my thoughts. For whatever reason when I am cooking my thoughts seem to come together better and then I am ready to write. The same thing happens when I go for walks. This post is on emotions. Sounds simple right? But it seems to become more complicated when you loose a child and when you begin to try to get pregnant again. Something that becomes more intricate because everybody grieves differently. There are some people out there who just get it, others who try, and yet others who never truly understand.
As we move throughout life there are always times we wonder. It seems that when there is change it cause us to wonder more. When the change is welcomed, the wondering seems to provide a positive exciting spin on things. However, when the change is not well received or completely unexpected the wondering seems to take on a different spin.
I am choosing to call this a hurdle. Some see it as a “the dreaded question”, which is not to say that I haven’t thought of it that way. I recently had a change of perspective after talking to a friend. What is this hurdle? This question?
I have begun work on a new project. For a while now, I have felt a little tug at my heart telling me that I should be giving forward. By this I mean, that I want to reach out to other baby loss families using creativity and crafting. So, Samantha’s Dragonfly was born. If you have read my blog before, you know that dragonflies carry an extra special meaning for me. Like other baby loss families, it’s a special connection to our little ones.
But I am grieving, how can I be happy? Is it possible to do both? If I am happy, does that mean that I hurt any less?
I wanted to share something I found on grief that came across. It has been helpful to me to read and hear, so I thought I would share.
After Samantha, I found it hard to genuinely smile and laugh. I could make myself do it, but my heart wasn’t in it. In my mind I was thinking, I shouldn’t be laughing, shouldn’t be happy, shouldn’t smile because I am grieving. Because I was grieving, if I did any sign of fun and happiness I thought it meant that Samantha didn’t matter any more and that I had moved on.
The holidays can be a tough time of year to go through after the loss of a child, but there is also magic, joy, and peace that come with the season as well. Surround yourself with the things you truly love to do, the people who support you, and find a way to honor your child. Some of the steps in the holiday plan may not pertain to you or you may think “what does this have to do with any of it?” That is alright. If all you take from these steps are the ones that truly resonate with you, then you will still find the strength and courage you need. 
