What does your heart puzzle look like?  Mine is filled with Raun, Samantha, family, friends, the future, and myself.  What is a heart puzzle?  It is how your heart is divided up.  For those of us who are more visual, like me, think of your heart us a puzzle.  It is made up of different pieces of your life.  Over time those pieces change.  Just like any other puzzle, if a piece is missing it’s not complete.  Likewise, you can not move another piece to fill that spot.  Your heart is complete, whole, no holes.  You may change the number of pieces or what they represent, but no matter what it will still be complete.

Holes, voids call them what you want.  It is that inner feeling that you get when you loose someone close to you.  There is a spot that never feels quite the same.  Over time that void seems to fill back in, but never the same as it was before.  It is forever change, but it fills back in.  No matter what, there is still a part of you, a part of your heart that has been forever touched.

When you are expecting a child, an addition to your life, the pieces of your heart puzzle seem to gain another piece.  When you loose your child through miscarriage, infant loss, or stillbirth you still have that spot.  It is reserved for that special little one.  It is only for them and nothing will replace that spot.  When you grow your family, more pieces are added.  Your heart is complete, ever changing, your life.  The things you yearn for, hope for are what is in your future.  Over time, you will take those things from your future and they will become a spot all their own in your heart puzzle.

When Samantha went to heaven I felt a deep void, a hole if you will.  Over the past few months I have so desperately wanted to be pregnant and grow our family.  To have that void filled back in.  Having another child won’t fill that feeling of void back in.  It will add another piece to the puzzle.  What I realized recently is that in a way, that void has been filled back in.  In the center of it is Samantha and what her little tiny footprints have left behind.  It has been filled in by all that Samantha has taught me, the support that I have around me, and a new perspective on life.  As much as I wanted to have the chance to raise our little girl, I know she is in good hands.  I believe some day soon, I will have the chance to raise our children here on earth and some where in the future we will all meet again.

If you were to fill out your pieces, what would they look like?  Start with you in the middle, make sure there is a spot for future, then fill in the rest with what is most important and brings the most meaning in your life.  So, what is your heart puzzle?

 

I have decided to take part in Let’s Blogoff.  A few times a month they put out a blog topic, then I get to think on the topic and create a blogpost with my thoughts.  These topics give me a chance to think deeply on topics I normally wouldn’t, expand my horizons, and delve deeper into learning more about myself and where I may be headed in life.  For example, the last topic was entitled “What is Home?”.  It is an opportunity to not give the short and sweet answer to the questions.  Instead, it makes you mull it over and share your thoughts.

This time the topic is “What did you want to be when you grow up?”  This for some can be a fairly simple recall and easy to answer.  Well, I have been thinking on this topic on and off for the past couple of days.  I can get back to the high school years pretty easily, when I can remember coming to the conclusion that I either wanted to be a teacher or be involved in interior decorating.  I also remember having someone tell me that as long as they could remember I always wanted to be a teacher.

Alright, now to look back even farther in the years.  I very vaguely remember playing teacher as a little kid with my friends or family every so often.  I don’t remember ever saying outright, “I want to be ______ when I grow up”.   Thinking about it now, I don’t recall really thinking about it much at all.  In my mind, I was just being a kid, doing kid sort of things.

Well, seven years out of college and I am a teacher.  However, over time I am beginning to change the direction I am going in.  I am changing my focus.  I wonder sometimes what it would have been like if I went down the path of interior decorating.  I get my feet slightly wet in that area by decorating my own house, as well as helping my folks decorate areas of their house.  For me, honestly, getting my feet slightly wet is enough to let me know I made the right choice at the time. 

Looking down the road I am not so sure I will still be a teacher when I grow up.  I am one right now, but I do think that will change as I get older.  So, looking forward…what do I want to be when I grow up?  I want to be a mom and raise our family.  I want to do more with my photography.  Photography is what strongly pulls me now and I want to continue to grow that.  I want to find a way for me to take my experiences from this year of losing our daughter and help others who are walking the path of pregnancy loss & infant loss.  If I can find a way to combine all three of these desires into one goal, then that will be what I want to be when I grow up.

I don’t know exactly where my meandering path is going to lead me, but I do know what direction I am heading in as of now.  So, what did you want to be when you grow up? or what do you want to be when you grow up?

 

 

Today I take a break from posting another part of “The Story” to take a moment to reflect on this special day given to mother’s to celebrate all that they have done, do, and will do in the years to come.  Mother’s are a very important part of our lives.  From the moment life begins, they are always there.  The connection and bond are deeply seeded, and only grow as their child grows.  At some point the child becomes more of a friend.  Even though you may have lost a child, whether it be sometime during pregnancy or any time after, you will always feel that bond with your child.  It is a deep, deep seed that lies within your heart.  Life changes, goes on, but you will never forget.  And that’s okay.  We always will remember.  The toughest question for me to answer right now is when other people ask me “Do you have any kids?”  Insntantly my mind says “yes” but as of yet, that’s not how it comes out.  I think I am fearful of what the question will be to come and how to answer.  Some day, the answer will be easier to give.  But for now, I will relish in the fact that yes, I am a mother and I have a beautiful daughter who is resting safely in God’s arms.  I found a quote today that I find says a lot: “Mother’s Day is a day of appreciation and respect. I can think of no mothers who deserve it more than those who had to give a child back” ~ Erma Bombeck.  We are all mother’s in one way or another.   Happy Mother’s Day to all the mother’s out there.

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