This post is getting out a little later than I anticipated, but I have been trying to decide what to write about this week.  I have been writing some poems lately.  The words just come to mind and then one line begins to flow into the next.  Before I know it I have a complete thought and a finished poem.  I have been trying to decide if I wanted to share them or keep them to myself.  The idea of writing has come easily to me generally, but poems come in short bursts.  The first one I wrote was for our Christmas card we sent out in 2011…our first Christmas without Samantha.  Now that poem is a key part of Samantha’s Dragonfly.  I have decided that poems are as equally as good as one of my normal blog posts.  The first poem is the one that I created just before Christmas and goes with each dragonfly that I make.  So, with a little hesitation still, here goes…

Dragonflies

Such beauty and grace, delicate and light

Washing calm and peace throughout

Bearer of comfort and strength

A little messenger, dropping by to say hi

Sometimes lingering, sometimes just but a moment

Soaring high, sparkling in the sun

Heavenly connection, closer to you my angel

Tears

tears streaming down almost like rain on the window

tears of sadness, of loss, of frustration

tears of hope, while giving in

tears of unanswered prayers

tears, the words of our heart

 With Each Storm, Comes A Rainbow

As the sky darkens

As the storm rolls in

As the rain begins to fall

My thoughts begin to wonder

Then as the rain begins to quicken

The lightening begins to flash

The thunder rolls

My focus shifts and my thoughts quiet

The sky begins to clear

Blue sky and white clouds

As the storm moves off into the distance

In between a beautiful rainbow

And there is calm

I am a mother

I am a mother

On the inside I know

But on the outside it doesn’t show

While my little girl rests in my heart

She is held by God’s loving arms

 

I grieve and I heal

I grieve and I heal

Sometimes I am happy

Other times I am sad

And yet I may be both at once

On the outside things may look good

But on the inside I may be falling to pieces

I may be falling to pieces on the outside

But on the inside I am cleansing my soul

It’s process with no finish line

I learn as I go and may not always understand

I grieve and I heal

 

 “Naming Your Child: Hope-filled Reflections on Miscarriage, Stillbirth, & Infant Death” by Jenny Schroedel

 My Book Review: I received this book from my mother in law after we all attended the funeral service.  It has taken me a little bit longer to get through this book, only because “normalish” life began to take over again.  But it has definitely been a good read.   This book helped to validate the feelings I was going through and made me feel like I wasn’t the only one.  We all grieve, and those of us that have been through a loss like this have something in common.  We know to some degree how others feel and what they are going through, yet because we all grieve differently we can only listen and sympathasize.  In the book it was helpful to read other people’s stories.  They are all different, but with one common thread, loss.  It gave me ideas on how to get through the different emotions, especially the ones I wasn’t used to dealing with…like jeolousy.  I learned that life will go back to normal.  Not necessarily the normal before being pregnant, but a new type of normal and that’s okay.  It was helpful also, that the author put such a heavy emphasis on naming your child.  It doesn’t matter how recent or how long ago it was, it is still important to give a name.  We may all grieve differently, we are all at different stages in the process, but we are all connected on a deeper level.

 

This may be the end of “The Story”, but it is also the beginning of what unfolds in the days, weeks, and months ahead.  This will be the last post from my journal entries. 

Needless to say, the following days ahead brough many up, downs, twists, and turns.  The physcial side of everything seemed to slowly fade away, while the mental and emotional, even sometimes social aspects of it all seemed to come through more.  Some days it was only on side of things I had to face, other days it was all.  They could start out just fine, and with the drop of a hat I would hit the wall, run to the bathroom and breakdown.  It could go the other way too.  I could start out with tears in my eyes all the way to work, then be pretty good for the rest of the day.  I don’t know if Iwould just numb myself to get through the day or what.  But the days began to come and go in a way the used to.  I was different, but the basics of the day were the same.  I know that the mental and emotional side will never truly go away.  It will always be there, I will just lern how to deal with things better.  This type of thing never goes away.  It will always be a part of me.  I will never “move on”, as people have told me to do, I will only “move forward”.  Samantha is a part of me, she always will be.  I will still grieve, it will just be less and it will change as time goes by.

Did I have my major melt downs?  Of course I did.  I even had a few blow ups, but I learned from them and oddly enough they helped me to move forward.  I continued to visit Samantha, once the warmer months had arrived and her name was written on the wall.  I learned to live life a little differently.  I knew things would trip me up and I took them as they came.  Deep down, they are making me stronger.  I am not sure how yet, but somewhere down the road things will be connected and make more sense.

My journaling seemed to go from writing every day to get through the days and the weeks, to writing weekly to sum up the week and really take a good look at what happened.  Then it got spaced out considerably by talking about things as they came up from month to month.  All of the good, the not so good, and everywhere in between.

Don’t worry though, take heart, I will still continue to write, but it is time to change things up a little.  I will continue to share my story, but in a different light.  I am “moving forward”.

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