How true is that statement?

I remember a conversation that occurred shortly after our miscarriage with someone who didn’t know it had happened.  It was the end of my work day and I was up at the front desk chatting with a co-worker, when a parent on their way out stopped at the desk to chat.  She had begun asking my co-worker how her pregnancy was going, and when their conversation ended she turned to me and asked the same question.  I admit, I hesitated for a bit.  To me it seemed like minutes.  I looked at my co-worker, hoping she might say something.  It was at most a week that I had been back at work, but I still wasn’t ready to answer this question.  My response was simple, we lost the baby at 17 weeks.  She asked me how I was doing with it all and my co-worker jumped in saying that I was handling it like a champ.

A champ?  I don’t want to be a champ at this.  It makes me sound like I am a winner.  I understand she meant well by it and not in that context.  It also meant that on the outside at first glance it looked like I was handling it all well, even though on the inside I was falling apart and people didn’t really know the hell I was going through.  But a champ? Not quite.

Just a few weeks ago, I heard another perspective on this.  Instead of the word champ being used, it was the word strong.  I have been told I am strong and I will make it through this.  Someone else I know  was asked “you are so strong though all of this, how do you do it?”  My perspective on this statement, as well as her’s was simple.  I don’t really have a choice.  Life is moving forward with or without me.  It would be easier to just stay in bed, shut the world out, in a way give up, and let the world move forward without me.  Or, I could begin to walk this new path one small step at a time, one foot in front of the other. 

Am I going to stumble?  Am I going to take steps backwards? You bet, but I am going to do my best to move forward.   I am going to have bad days, it is going to be tough, but I am going to do it.  Notice I said, move forward, not move on.  I will never move on from what happened.  It will always be a part of me and my baby girl will always be with me.  Right now she is in good hands and some day I will see her again.  This is what allows me to move forward. 

Am I strong?  Maybe, maybe not.  That’s for you to say, not me.  Am I a champ?  No, I wouldn’t describe myself that way.  What I do know, is that this had made me realize a few things.  1) Life is short, I need to fill it with the things that truly mean the most to me.  2) I need to stand up for myself more and let my voice be heard.  3) I am more comfortable now with who I am then I have ever been.  I am not afraid to truly be me.

 “We don’t know how strong we are until being strong is the only choice we have” – Small Bird Studios


This may be the end of “The Story”, but it is also the beginning of what unfolds in the days, weeks, and months ahead.  This will be the last post from my journal entries. 

Needless to say, the following days ahead brough many up, downs, twists, and turns.  The physcial side of everything seemed to slowly fade away, while the mental and emotional, even sometimes social aspects of it all seemed to come through more.  Some days it was only on side of things I had to face, other days it was all.  They could start out just fine, and with the drop of a hat I would hit the wall, run to the bathroom and breakdown.  It could go the other way too.  I could start out with tears in my eyes all the way to work, then be pretty good for the rest of the day.  I don’t know if Iwould just numb myself to get through the day or what.  But the days began to come and go in a way the used to.  I was different, but the basics of the day were the same.  I know that the mental and emotional side will never truly go away.  It will always be there, I will just lern how to deal with things better.  This type of thing never goes away.  It will always be a part of me.  I will never “move on”, as people have told me to do, I will only “move forward”.  Samantha is a part of me, she always will be.  I will still grieve, it will just be less and it will change as time goes by.

Did I have my major melt downs?  Of course I did.  I even had a few blow ups, but I learned from them and oddly enough they helped me to move forward.  I continued to visit Samantha, once the warmer months had arrived and her name was written on the wall.  I learned to live life a little differently.  I knew things would trip me up and I took them as they came.  Deep down, they are making me stronger.  I am not sure how yet, but somewhere down the road things will be connected and make more sense.

My journaling seemed to go from writing every day to get through the days and the weeks, to writing weekly to sum up the week and really take a good look at what happened.  Then it got spaced out considerably by talking about things as they came up from month to month.  All of the good, the not so good, and everywhere in between.

Don’t worry though, take heart, I will still continue to write, but it is time to change things up a little.  I will continue to share my story, but in a different light.  I am “moving forward”.

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