I have learned over the past several months that words are no longer just words when it comes to dealing with an infant loss and all the grief that comes with it.  Words can either be helpful or they can be detrimental.  It all depends on where the person is in their process, what is said, where it is said, and where the emotional/mental/physical state of the person hearing the words is.  It is all about context and timing.  The best of intentions can easily become the worst when the timing is not right.  I have experienced this several times over the past few months, but two stand out in my mind.  One time, I knew I was feeling a little off.  Something didn’t quite feel right.  I was a little more sensitive and couldn’t quite figure out why.  Well, it hit me at then of the week on the Friday right before Mother’s day.  It wasn’t until a parent gave me hug and whispered to me saying “my thoughts and prayers will be with you this weekend”.  Aha, now I know what was going on.  The struggle of, am a mother or am I not.  I gave birth to child, but that child went to heaven and I went home with a box.  So, am I a mother or am I not.  As simplistic as it gets, yes, yes I am.  However, on a deeper level, I don’t feel like one.  So, the struggle still continues as I learn how to deal and process with all of this.

 

I visted again last week (May 18).  This time a friend came with.  She had asked me if she could go with me sometime.  Since the last time I wrote about a visit, I had returned two more times (May 11/May 18) .  Each time I go, take it all in, and listen to my surroundings.  Last week when I went with my friend we talked and caught up.  I haven’t seen her since the memorial service that she joined us at.  When we got there we visited the grave site.  Now, it is placed next to the May 5 little ones.  I can’t believe three months have gone by already.  Some days it still feels like yesterday and some days it seems like years ago.  It was a beautiful sunny day.  Lots of nature things happening.  Spring had finally really shown with birds abundant and flowers blooming.  My friend asked questions as we were there and we traveled from the grave site to the wall.  Before we got into the car to go to the wall, I heard a wind chime in the distance.  I couldn’t see it from where we were, but I could definitely hear it’s notes on the wind.  As we were driving I saw where it was hanging so delicately from.  Incidentally at the top of the chimes, was a cardinal.  At the wall we were surrounded by birds on the pond and the sweet smell of lilacs.  We stood at the wall for a moment.  I touched your name and then we continued on back home.  I still wonder, if Samantha knows when we are there.  This time while touching her name I began to feel a sense of peace. 

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