Fears…something we think about, something we face almost daily.  No matter the look I can put on the outside, there still can be some underlying fears.  I am an analyzer, so sometimes those fears are because I over analyze a situation.  But there are times when the fears are legitimate.  To not let my fears get the best of me I try to work them out.  I talk about them, I think them over to see what the real issue is, and sometimes I wait.  I wait for God to intervene.  Recently my fears have been either linked with teaching or linked with our decision to try again.

With teaching I began to wonder if what I do really makes a difference, especially now that I am a sub.  I began to fear that I wasn’t good at what I do and wasn’t sure if it made any difference if I was there or not.  Even wondered if my skills were better utilized doing something else.  In the past year these fears have been popping up every so often.  Some of it, I believe, originates to the combination of feeling like everything was in place-the career and the family life.  I was being awarded teacher of the year for my accomplishments and I was pregnant for the first time.  In my mind’s eye, life couldn’t have been any better.  A week later, I delivered Samantha due to a miscarriage.  I went from feeling like I was on top of the world to having my world come crashing down.  I know and recognize that these two events have little to do with each other than how the timing all came down.  But it doesn’t stop me from every now and then fearing that I am not good at teaching.  A week ago, I got a little wake up call…I think God knew I needed a little boost.

I was delivering snack to classrooms at work the other week.  After dropping snack off in a classroom and moving onto the next, I was called back into one of the classrooms I had visited already.  The teacher told me that the kids asked her where had I been, when will i be back in there again, I miss her, and I love that teacher.  It did my heart good.  And the icing on the cake?  As I went to leave the room several of the kids said “I love you Ms. L!  This made me remember, I still do good work.

My other fears come from the decision to try again.  Like most other baby loss moms out there, when you have lost a child there are a lot of thoughts that go through your mind when you begin the process of trying again.  You are told to not think about it so much and it will happen.  Or you need to do xyz to get pregnant.  Or you need to focus on other things and it will all come together.  Or stop worrying.  Or you need to just move on.  Some of these thoughts and ideas are easier said then done.  Some can come across hurtful.  Some need to be expressed when asked for ideas or advice.  And some, just need to be heard from those who have walked similar footsteps.

So, what fears are coming out?  The biggest…what if a loss happens again?.  Then comes…if I haven’t gotten pregnant again yet, what I am doing wrong?.  These are the things that go through my mind.  I try to not worry, not dwell, not over think, but it doesn’t get rid of the thought.  It still resides, sometimes on the surface, sometimes deep down.  I can only take care of and control the things, so that is what I am going to focus on.  I am going to find ways to make my life healthier, get in more doses of photography & writing, spend time with the people I love & things I love to do, take the back roads, and set better boundaries on the areas of my life that need it.

I may not be able to stop the fear from coming, but at least I can try to recognize it, face it, and move forward…and cross the tough bridges when they actually come into my path.

Fears can be big or small, but they still have the power to paralyze us in the moment.  We need to have faith and be brave in order to push forward.  What do you do to work through your fears?

 

 

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