February 15-

I am finding out that being at work is tougher than I thought and somewhat impedes on my grief time. Thus, making it take longer to get through things. There are a lot of days I come home from work with tears on the drive home. For instance, yesterday I had a parent say to me “wow! You still seem really thing, how far a long are you again?” My response was simple “I was 17 weeks”. She understood, asked a few questions and that was that. At least it was from her perspective, but from mine I could feel myself beginning to turn inward more and shrink up.

Each day I go into work and have to put on a façade while there for the kids and parents. It isn’t always easy to keep up sometimes and I melt down in the bathroom or a few tears while in the classroom. I was asked today how things were going and we began a bit of a talk. Some things are harder than others and there are all these pup up triggers which make it tougher (like my snow pants fitting better than ever, we were doing a life cycles unit and the kids had to bring in their baby pictures). I also mentioned that it is good to be at work, but yet it is not. Maybe this would all be a little easier if I didn’t work with kids and families every day.

 

February 11-

I am finding that as the days go by I keep finding little triggers that bring a wave of tears and emotion. I knew there were going to be things that tripped me up down the road, the big things, but I forgot to look at the little things. And as much as I wish I could prepare for these, it is impossible. Some things I think I can be ready for, but even those things I am never truly ready for.

Today’s little trigger was a simple thing-putting on my snow pants to go outside. What did me in? The fact that they know fit and to top it off, they fit better now than they did last Winter. I talked with Raun when I got home about triggers. I feel like there have been a lot for me, but I wasn’t able to see many for him. He doesn’t have many, but he has a big one. On his way to work he passes the water tower that is near the cemetery. So while I may have many different ones to face each day, he has one big one, the same one, to face every day. As time goes by, hopefully these things will get smaller and fewer, as well as less frequent.
I ended my work day with sharing my keepsake box with those at work. I was hoping that it would help to relieve some of my feelings by opening up and sharing. In all actuality, all I did was say what was what in the box and answer a few questions as we went along. I am realizing now, that it is hard to be around those who really don’t understand. They may show some interest, but I really wonder how much they really want to know or can really help.

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