February 11-

I am finding that as the days go by I keep finding little triggers that bring a wave of tears and emotion. I knew there were going to be things that tripped me up down the road, the big things, but I forgot to look at the little things. And as much as I wish I could prepare for these, it is impossible. Some things I think I can be ready for, but even those things I am never truly ready for.

Today’s little trigger was a simple thing-putting on my snow pants to go outside. What did me in? The fact that they know fit and to top it off, they fit better now than they did last Winter. I talked with Raun when I got home about triggers. I feel like there have been a lot for me, but I wasn’t able to see many for him. He doesn’t have many, but he has a big one. On his way to work he passes the water tower that is near the cemetery. So while I may have many different ones to face each day, he has one big one, the same one, to face every day. As time goes by, hopefully these things will get smaller and fewer, as well as less frequent.
I ended my work day with sharing my keepsake box with those at work. I was hoping that it would help to relieve some of my feelings by opening up and sharing. In all actuality, all I did was say what was what in the box and answer a few questions as we went along. I am realizing now, that it is hard to be around those who really don’t understand. They may show some interest, but I really wonder how much they really want to know or can really help.

 

 

Today I take a break from posting another part of “The Story” to take a moment to reflect on this special day given to mother’s to celebrate all that they have done, do, and will do in the years to come.  Mother’s are a very important part of our lives.  From the moment life begins, they are always there.  The connection and bond are deeply seeded, and only grow as their child grows.  At some point the child becomes more of a friend.  Even though you may have lost a child, whether it be sometime during pregnancy or any time after, you will always feel that bond with your child.  It is a deep, deep seed that lies within your heart.  Life changes, goes on, but you will never forget.  And that’s okay.  We always will remember.  The toughest question for me to answer right now is when other people ask me “Do you have any kids?”  Insntantly my mind says “yes” but as of yet, that’s not how it comes out.  I think I am fearful of what the question will be to come and how to answer.  Some day, the answer will be easier to give.  But for now, I will relish in the fact that yes, I am a mother and I have a beautiful daughter who is resting safely in God’s arms.  I found a quote today that I find says a lot: “Mother’s Day is a day of appreciation and respect. I can think of no mothers who deserve it more than those who had to give a child back” ~ Erma Bombeck.  We are all mother’s in one way or another.   Happy Mother’s Day to all the mother’s out there.

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