When you think of “awareness” and the month of October, most people’s thoughts go to Breast Cancer Awareness Month.  If you happen to be a teacher, then you also toss in Fire Safety Month.  What most people don’t know, is that it is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness.  October 15 is not only a nationally recognized day when people who have experienced pregnancy and/or infant loss come together to honor their child(ren) who have grown their angel wings, but it is also a worlwide recognized day.  I would have never known about this myself until we experienced the loss of Samantha.  With her loss I have began to learn a lot.  Sometimes, it is a lot more than I want to learn, but yet at the same time it is helpful and good to know.  Miscarriages and stillbirths are still a comon thing to happen and as common as they are, so is not talking about them.  However, as time goes by more and more people are speaking about the topic and creating awareness.  They are “breaking the silence”.  It’s not always easy to talk about, it’s not always easy to hear, but it needs to be talked about in order to create a better understanding.  By designating a month to create awareness and having a day to help recognize and honor those who have been lost is a start in the process of breaking the silence.

In honor of Samantha we lit several candles.  We participated in “the wave of light”, that created a contious wave of light across the world in recognition of pregnancy loss and infant loss.

What made this day even more special and touching is that I found out on the morning of October 15 that I get to participate in an online course by Illuminate that uses photography as a way to help heal and work through the grief process.  The photo that I submited for the contest was a collage of photos I took during my last visit to the memorial wall.  It was at the end of a tough week and I need to be somewhere that was quiet.  A place with little distractions and with the hope of feeling closer to my little girl.  And hoepuflly I would come awy with a slightly clearer head and less weight on my shoulders.  It was a visit that I know she was there, because there was a dragonfly that sat with me.

 

I visted again last week (May 18).  This time a friend came with.  She had asked me if she could go with me sometime.  Since the last time I wrote about a visit, I had returned two more times (May 11/May 18) .  Each time I go, take it all in, and listen to my surroundings.  Last week when I went with my friend we talked and caught up.  I haven’t seen her since the memorial service that she joined us at.  When we got there we visited the grave site.  Now, it is placed next to the May 5 little ones.  I can’t believe three months have gone by already.  Some days it still feels like yesterday and some days it seems like years ago.  It was a beautiful sunny day.  Lots of nature things happening.  Spring had finally really shown with birds abundant and flowers blooming.  My friend asked questions as we were there and we traveled from the grave site to the wall.  Before we got into the car to go to the wall, I heard a wind chime in the distance.  I couldn’t see it from where we were, but I could definitely hear it’s notes on the wind.  As we were driving I saw where it was hanging so delicately from.  Incidentally at the top of the chimes, was a cardinal.  At the wall we were surrounded by birds on the pond and the sweet smell of lilacs.  We stood at the wall for a moment.  I touched your name and then we continued on back home.  I still wonder, if Samantha knows when we are there.  This time while touching her name I began to feel a sense of peace. 

 

Today I visited.  It was the first time back to the cemetery since the service and memorial.  I first stopped at the memorial wall.  We had received a letter in the mail saying your name had been inscribed onto the wall.  I found your beautiful name on the wall.  I touched it. I said it over and over in my mind.  I took a few pictures while I was there.  Then it hit me like a wall.  The tears began to flow-tears of sorrow, tears of frustration, tears of wonder, tears of why, tears of peace.  I went to the grave site then.  Although there was no grave stone yet I could tell that it was the right place.  Could you tell that I was there?  I felt that your presence was there.  Why?… Because as I walked back to the car I heard a cardinal.  And before I opened the car door I began to hear several more cardinals, singing their song.  They seem to say “I’m okay mommy.  I am in good hands”.   When I got home I put a lovely memorial stone your grandma gave us in our garden and place maroon pansies and yellow snapdragons around it.  So delicately a yellow flower had landed on the cross on the stone.  I took several photos of it feeling a sense of peace flow over me.

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