From here on out, everything we encountered would be new to us. In just a few short weeks we went to the perinatal to have a complete scan and ultrasound. We also got to find out that we were having a boy. Throughout the early stages of our pregnancy I have been very lucky. I’ve gotten the chance to hear our little one’s heartbeat every couple of weeks. This has helped calmed my nerves greatly. I have to be honest though, there were times in between appointments that I would send an extra prayer or two through the day up to God, as well as nightly prayers that included our baby growing bigger and stronger each day, as well as continue to be healthy. I still had ups and downs of emotions as time went by. We began receiving items for Timothy, something that I hadn’t experienced with Samantha. We also got the nursery completed. Such a cute room for our little guy and I was excited to see it completed. However, I also felt guilty that we never got the chance to even begin to get a room ready for Samantha.
Our pregnancy this time around has been completely different than the first time. I am not sure if I have worried more than those who haven’t experienced a loss, but are currently in their first pregnancy or not. I know I have run through a lot of emotions. When I’ve been asked how I am feeling, my usual response is good, excited, a little nervous. For whatever reason, the a little nervous seems to throw people off some. I am nervous because this is all new to me. I am nervous because I know what can happen and things don’t always go the way you think they will. I am nervous because, while I have a child already, in most people’s eyes I am a first time parent. This will be our first child that we will get to raise and watch grow up. As we get closer to our due date I am getting more and more anxious. Everything is set up and ready to go. Any day now we will welcome Timothy into our world and get to see him in all his cuteness outside of an ultrasound. Somewhere down the road we will share with him about his sister. How he is blessed to have an angel watching over him. For now, our family of three has grown to four and I couldn’t be happier. Timothy is our rainbow after the storm. The road has been tough at times, with lots of twists and turns, with moments of happiness and joy. The road ahead, will be filled with just as many twists and turns, as well as great moments and memories. Who knows, maybe one day, our family of four will grow again.
Over the past few months it has been hit or miss on whether or not I write. I haven’t felt a draw in one direction or another to go in for my blog posts. Plus, I have been focused on our current pregnancy. We only have a few more weeks before our little guy arrives into this world, so I have been writing a pregnancy journal to add to his baby book. Over the past few nights I haven’t been sleeping much and when I awake in the middle of the night I have been getting ideas of what to write about. So, I have decided to write a little bit about the journey we have been through over the past two years after losing Samantha in regards to trying to get pregnant again and being pregnant again. Over the next weeks I am going to write two mini series about my experiences. The first one will entail posts about trying to get pregnant after loss and the second one will entail posts about being pregnant after loss. I encourage you to join me on this journey as I share by sharing your own experiences and thoughts as I go along.
Bundle of joy, bundle of nerves pretty much sums it all up right now. We are at the 20 week mark…halfway there. We met some milestones, like finding out that baby L is a boy. In 20 weeks we will get to see what Timothy looks like, other just in ultrasounds. Up until this point I have been, shall we say cautiously excited. I didn’t know what it was like to be pregnant past 17 weeks. Thankfully, we’ve been going to the doctor every two weeks, so it has calmed my nerves some. Now the nerves I have are just like any other parent. While we are parents and have a daughter, this will be our first baby coming home…our first round of learning how to parent. Makes me a little bit nervous, wondering if I will be a good parent and if I will know what to do. I have been around other kids, working with infants, but it is different when it is your own child. Sure, some of the basics are there…like feeding, diapering,and sleeping, but there is so much more and that’s what makes me a little bit nervous. I guess that’s only normal, so while we wait for our bundle of joy to arrive I will need to work on my bundle of nerves. At least I know I have a lot of good resources that I can turn to for help.
We are 17 weeks and have 23 more to go…almost halfway there. I am so full of joy and happiness, we are pregnant with our little rainbow. But at the same time, I am a little scared and nervous too. We made it to 17 weeks with Samantha. With Samantha, we knew earlier on that things didn’t look quite right. There was extra fluid around the neck and abdomen, leading the doctors to believe it was Turner’s Syndrome. Fortunately for us, it is not genetic and there was nothing we did wrong that caused it. It is a chromosome disorder that is rare to occur and even rarer to happen again. Even so, with Baby L we are considered high risk. Our doctor wants to be sure that nothing is missed this time around. So far that means I am on restricted lifting, no big deal really…except when it comes to work. Otherwise, life as normal so far. Up to this point with Baby L there hasn’t been any concerns. All ultrasounds have looked great, good heart beat, everything forming the way it should, no extra fluid, and baby is even measuring a little farther along…an extra 2 days farther. So with that I am not as nervous, but a lot more hopeful. Yet I can’t seem to shake that deep down feeling, which I guess goes with the territory.
This year is no different. Still a favorite time of year for me. However there is a deeper meaning to this time of year. Two years ago…right around October 15 we got pregnant for the first time. Our baby girl only made it 17 weeks, but has left a lasting legacy on our lives and our hearts. Interestingly enough, October 15 is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. On this day hundreds gather in memory of their children across the world. There is also a wave of light that is passed on…a lighted candle lit in memory started at the same time all around the world creating a continuous light.
I have been thinking on and off throughout the day about how to begin and write this post. And once beginning, I ended up walking away for a little while and did a little cooking to refocus my thoughts. For whatever reason when I am cooking my thoughts seem to come together better and then I am ready to write. The same thing happens when I go for walks. This post is on emotions. Sounds simple right? But it seems to become more complicated when you loose a child and when you begin to try to get pregnant again. Something that becomes more intricate because everybody grieves differently. There are some people out there who just get it, others who try, and yet others who never truly understand.
As we move throughout life there are always times we wonder. It seems that when there is change it cause us to wonder more. When the change is welcomed, the wondering seems to provide a positive exciting spin on things. However, when the change is not well received or completely unexpected the wondering seems to take on a different spin.
