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Mommy x2

Holidays & Celebrations, Other No Responses »

May 122013

As I am bouncing my new little guy, I am thinking about Mother’s day. For those facing a loss, Mother’s Day can be hard to take in. And when it’s your first child, then what do you do. Is it still a celebration? It may seem weird to celebrate being a mom when your baby isn’t in your arms, but you should celebrate being a mom. Honestly, it will be tough, it was for me. Mother’s Day came just a few short months after we lost Samantha. It felt right to do a little something, but I also wanted the time to reflect a little as well. We spent that Mother’s Day enjoying the warmth of the sun (after a very long, snowy Winter), enjoying a coffee beverage & pastry from a local coffee shop, and sitting down by the Mississippi River.

That was two years ago. It was my very fist Mother’s Day and my daughter was in heaven. Now, I get to celebrate Mother’s day with her in heaven and our new little guy who arrived in April. I am a mom times two, but it doesn’t look like it to most people. We are blessed to have Samantha watching over us, like a beautiful angel. It all just seems a little surreal. I am a new mom, but yet I am not. I have been a mom for two years, but have had different responsibilities than a typical mom does. And yet, right now I am a first time mom because this is our first child that has successfully made it. Some time down the road we will have the opportunity to explain to Little Guy that he has a sister. But for now, I am relishing in the fact that I get to watch him grow…a little too fast it seems sometimes, but I get to watch him grow, change, and learn. He is such a blessing. We received a photo frame with a beautiful quote that really says it all: “We made a wish and you came true. And we thank god for the gift of you.” We made a wish years ago to have children. The path that we thought we would have taken and the one that has been laid in front of us are two very different things. While there have been struggles, I wouldn’t change a thing. I am a mommy x 2!

Happy Mother’s Day to all! Even if you aren’t able to hold your children in your arms, they are always in your heart. And even if others can’t see all your children, it doesn’t mean that you aren’t a mom. You are, and always will be. Be gentle to yourself today and try to find some joy in it.

31 Photographs 31 Days-Day 4

Healing, On Grief, Other No Responses »

Oct 042012

A Treasured Item…hmmm, I have a whole keepsake box filled with items that mean a lot to me. But the most important item that I have is Samantha’s hand print in clay. She may have only been 17 weeks, but we were able to get an amazing print of her perfect little hand. I put the clay piece in a frame with a photo of the peace lily we received. It hangs with her name written in sand and photos of Raun & I, above our unity candle and her candle.

Our Rainbow

Moments of Happiness, Other 2 Responses »

Aug 272012

The past year and a half has been a roller coaster of a ride. From learning how to grieve and begin to heel after the loss of Samantha, to deciding to try again to get pregnant, to the months waiting for our hopes to be fulfilled. This ride has had many twists and turns, ups and downs.

After months, the pieces have all fallen into place. We are pregnant again! At this point, we are a little over 6 weeks along. So far I am tired, hungry, and nauseous all the time. From what I’ve heard, all are good signs of a healthy pregnancy. As the months move forward I will continue to put updates up. All my thoughts and how things are going. In April we will have a little bundle of joy to bring home with us! Our little rainbow

What did you want to be when you grow up?

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Nov 082011

I have decided to take part in Let’s Blogoff. A few times a month they put out a blog topic, then I get to think on the topic and create a blogpost with my thoughts. These topics give me a chance to think deeply on topics I normally wouldn’t, expand my horizons, and delve deeper into learning more about myself and where I may be headed in life. For example, the last topic was entitled “What is Home?”. It is an opportunity to not give the short and sweet answer to the questions. Instead, it makes you mull it over and share your thoughts.

This time the topic is “What did you want to be when you grow up?” This for some can be a fairly simple recall and easy to answer. Well, I have been thinking on this topic on and off for the past couple of days. I can get back to the high school years pretty easily, when I can remember coming to the conclusion that I either wanted to be a teacher or be involved in interior decorating. I also remember having someone tell me that as long as they could remember I always wanted to be a teacher.

Alright, now to look back even farther in the years. I very vaguely remember playing teacher as a little kid with my friends or family every so often. I don’t remember ever saying outright, “I want to be ______ when I grow up”. Thinking about it now, I don’t recall really thinking about it much at all. In my mind, I was just being a kid, doing kid sort of things.

Well, seven years out of college and I am a teacher. However, over time I am beginning to change the direction I am going in. I am changing my focus. I wonder sometimes what it would have been like if I went down the path of interior decorating. I get my feet slightly wet in that area by decorating my own house, as well as helping my folks decorate areas of their house. For me, honestly, getting my feet slightly wet is enough to let me know I made the right choice at the time.

Looking down the road I am not so sure I will still be a teacher when I grow up. I am one right now, but I do think that will change as I get older. So, looking forward…what do I want to be when I grow up? I want to be a mom and raise our family. I want to do more with my photography. Photography is what strongly pulls me now and I want to continue to grow that. I want to find a way for me to take my experiences from this year of losing our daughter and help others who are walking the path of pregnancy loss & infant loss. If I can find a way to combine all three of these desires into one goal, then that will be what I want to be when I grow up.

I don’t know exactly where my meandering path is going to lead me, but I do know what direction I am heading in as of now. So, what did you want to be when you grow up? or what do you want to be when you grow up?

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God…Where Are You?

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Oct 242011

In all of this a person can’t help but to ask “Where is God?” With this question come a whole slew of other questions. Like:

Why me/us? or Why? or What did I/We do to deserve this? or What did I do wrong?

And the list goes on and on. With all of these questions we strive to find answers, to be able to put the pieces of lives back together and to find a sense of peace. The only thing…we may not find the answers to the questions. There is a chance that down the road we may find some answers to our questions, but there will still be many left unanswered. When we can’t find the answers we are looking for then we start turning towards someone to blame. For some, they blame someone close to them; like their spouse, a friend, anyone in their path at the moment, even their own self. When the answers still aren’t there then the blame ends on God.

Am I guilty of this? You bet, I have blamed myself and I have blamed God. I’ve asked these questions over and over; when I couldn’t find the answers I began to blame myself. When I still didn’t find the answers, I turned to something that I thought had control over everything. I turned to blaming God.

Believe me; I blamed God for this for a while. At first I blamed myself. Then I blamed myself and God. And last, I just blamed God. To me, I wondered how could God put anyone through this and why would he. If he could do this, then he could fix it right? I also began to wonder if God really existed. Because if he truly existed, then why did I feel like he walked away from me and left me stranded, filled with so many questions. Above all, why when I begged, pleaded, and called out did I feel like I was alone and my thoughts and prayers were no longer being answered.

After reading a book recommended to me from someone who had walked the path of miscarriage, “Why Bad Things Happen to Good People”, my perspective has changed greatly. I have learned that God doesn’t choose to bad things or good things to people. He doesn’t look at you and say you were good here you go, or you were bad here you go. That’s karma. Instead God takes what happens in our lives and uses those experiences to shape us. Those experiences are what guide us down our path.

We didn’t do anything wrong. Our miscarriage was something that was totally out of our control. In fact, it was bit of a fluke and the chances of it happening again that way are even more less likely to happen. Have I turned away from God during this time, no not really. But, I have gotten mad at him, yelled at him, begged and pleaded, unloaded on him, and been at a total loss for words on what to say.

I know we all have our own beliefs. With loss the beliefs may change, weaken, get strong, or go away completely. Other than holding on tightly to my family, especially my husband and the strong relationship we have, I have been holding on to God. Though sometimes my spirit was frayed and I questioned God (a lot) he was still there. I encourage you to rebuild and strengthen the relationships you have and can believe in. Now is not the time to turn away from those, no matter how angry you may get. Hold on tight to what is steadfast in your life.

Stepping Out

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Oct 092011

Stepping out…what does this mean? Stepping out the door to take in a breath of fresh air…Stepping out onto a new path-weather it be career, school, big life events…Stepping out of your comfort zone…Stepping out of your normal routine…Stepping out to help someone out…So what does stepping out mean to you?

For me, stepping out means stepping out of my comfort zone. Admitting that some times, you just can’t go at it alone any more. You need a little extra help, help that can only come from those who are walking the footsteps you are or have walked those similar steps before. I am surrounded by a lot of people every day. But having people who really understand you and will walk with you, instead of people who will only walk with you can go a long way. I am finding, that being on this new path, I need to have both in my life.

I have no problems opening up to others around me through my blogs or in occassion back and forth on a social media sight. That’s me, a behind the scenes kind of person. The struggle comes into play when the thought of putting myself out there with a group of people I don’t know face to face. Now, that is a whole different story.

However, it is a step deep down I knew I needed to take. The timing due to my work schedule just didn’t work well and it wasn’t a match. When I decided to take a step back, give up my classroom, and become a building sub, then the pieces seemed to fall into place better. Now, I had the time. But that meant, that now I had to take that step. With each step, it will get easier and I will get stronger. One day, the step will not seem like such a big step. It will merely be a bridge to the next place on my path.

What are you stepping out on?

Taking Risks

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Sep 182011

Are you willing to take risks?

This was a question that came across my email (http://www.pursuingyourcalling.com/take-risks-in-your-calling/?gseaftercommentingmodal) from a group called “Pursuing Your Calling” that I joined. I joined the group months back when I began to think that I needed to take a break from teaching. However, taking a break from teaching meant having to figure out what I would do instead. Hmmm….what would I do instead? I had learned and acquired a lot of skills through my years of teaching I could easily transfer, but what would I transfer them to? That seemed to be the magic question. So, through 48 days.net I came across the group and they send out weekly emails, as well as blog post questions and stories. After doing some deep searching and a lot of thinking I came to the conclusion I wasn’t ready to completely give up teaching and working with children. I knew I needed to find a happy medium between what I was doing, what I wanted to do, and where I wanted to go with it. Not to mention, what I what I wanted and need to get out of it.

Woodbury Days Parade celebrating my teaching achievements

With teaching comes a lot of responsiblities, some stress, and some worries. This can all be taken in stride, but doing it for 10 hour days, 4 days a week was getting to be a little too much for me. Don’t get me wrong though, there are definately rewarding sides too, but I was beginning to loose sight of these. So, after many talks with Raun and many talks with my bosses we came to many conclusions. I say many because we would come up with an idea, that in theory, sounded good but in all praticality wasn’t going to work. Finally after spending an evening walking down by the river and talking Raun helped me to come up with a great idea. Why don’t I switch over to subbing and on call? We both knew that it was something that my work needed. I am able to go into any room and do what is necessary to help things get through the day. Plus, I have my bus license so I can help out with school bus runs and field trips. It seemed like a great idea. It would give me the flexibility to choose my schedule, as well as give me what I feel I need.

What do I need? I feel that I need more me time, more time with Raun, more time with family and friends, and time to share my story. Having the flexibility in my work schedule will allow me to do this. My bosses were on board. They liked the idea, but also didn’t. They understood that this was something I needed, but they were sad because they feel that my skills are best utilized in a classroom. That’s where I am at my best.

On the North Shore

At my best? Well, maybe before the loss of Samantha. As the Summer months wore on, my best was slowly going downhill and I was loosing sight of why I wanted to be a teacher. This, will give me the break I need to refocus and better understand this new path I am on. To be honest, when back to school time came around I was okay with not having a classroom of my own any more. A friend and co-worker said to me “then it means you have made the right decision and you are ready”.

Ready or not…my subbing schedule now goes into affect. After having made the decision a month ago, this up coming week it goes into effect. Honestly, at first I was like “oh crap!”, but then after taking a deep breath and remembering why I decided to do this I was okay again.

Here’s to taking risks! What risk or risks are you taking or have you taken recently?

Remembering Today

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Sep 112011

I remember where I was on this day 10 years ago, as well as many others around the country and the world. Today we take a moment of silence to remember the events of the day, the people and families affected, and the heroes. On that day, everyone’s life changed in some way forever.

With so many different videos, photos, and songs to choose from to add post along with this it almost gets to be too much and too hard to decide which one to choose. I have decided to include the video & song “My List” by Toby Keith.

Perspectives

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Jul 032011

July 2011-

This weekend I am taking a break from sharing more of “The Story” to share my current thoughts. This week has been quite the ups and downs. There are some things that I am very excited about, but there are some things that I am greatly struggling with.

I had a conversation with Raun about his thoughts and feelings with the upcoming days. Why? Because July 5 was the tentative due date that we were given by the doctor. He said he hadn’t really had the chance to think about it. It is interesting how this sort of thing affects people so differently, yet so very similar. Like he said, and I agree, I had it all mapped out and he really hadn’t much. It all makes total sense. For me, this would have been my last week at work for a while and we wouldn’t being doing things like camping for the fourth like we are. He, was taking it one day at a time, one appointment at a time. We all have our own way of going through it all.

My great struggles have to do with the debate that is going on in my own mind-the I should or the I shouldn’t, we should/could or we shouldn’t/couldn’t. I had gotten better at recognizing this a few months ago and was able to push it out and try to look at the positive of it all. However, these have come back in full force, causing me to have to try to numb myself at work and just jump from day to day. I have also been filled with a lot of why’s, what’s, and when’s- why us, what did I do, when will we be pregnant again. These are all questions I know I will never be able to answer.

So, on the advice from a friend, I am trying to focus on the blessings I and we have. I am lucky to have my health, I have a strong (very strong) relationship in which we have endured much over the years and have come out stronger on the other side, I have a wonderful family and small group of friends, I am supported in all my endeavors and have had a strong core group helping me manage through everything one step at a time, I have to glorious little kitties who snuggle and make me laugh doing my heart good, and I have my photography. This is such a small list that will continually be added to, filling up a jar full of blessings.

I will never have answers to all my questions, and while I may feel lost or overwhelmed or a number of any other feelings I am trying to take on a different perspective from this all. After finishing my most recent book “When Bad Things Happen to Good People” I came out with a different perspective on it all. It is taking some time and practice, I am stumbling a lot, but I am trying my best to incorporate this into daily life.

The author suggests that “the bad things that happen to us in our lives do not have meaning when the happen. They do not happen for any good reason which would cause us to accept them willingly. But we can give them a meaning. We can redeem these tragedies from senselessness by imposing meaning on them. The question we should be asking is not,” Why did this happen to me? What did I do to deserve this?” That is really an unanswerable, pointless question. A better question would be “Now that this has happened to me, what am I going to do about it?”” When we are really struggling and lost we should try instead of asking “God, why are you doing this to me”, to ask “God, can you see me? Can you help me?”

So, in the words of my sister in law Marit “Love it while you live it…. Hug your family tight and tell them you love them – everything else is just icing on the cake”

The Story, Part 1

Other, The Story 3 Responses »

Apr 132011

January 26-

Dr. App-No Heart Beat, Admitted to Labor & Delivery, Lots of Phone Calls-Raun, Katie, Mom, Tonya-Visitors-Sherry, Katie, Tonya. Spent the time chatting and then ate dinner. Also made a lot more phone calls and watched a lot of TV. First dose of stuff. Was put on pain med iv part way through the night to help make getting doses easier. Didn’t make a dent and made me feel a way I didn’t like or ever want to. Tonya gave us a card and a little plaque that said TRUST on it.

MyInfantLoss.com

Mommy x2

31 Photographs 31 Days-Day 4

Our Rainbow

What did you want to be when you grow up?

God…Where Are You?

Stepping Out

Taking Risks

Remembering Today

Perspectives

The Story, Part 1

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