Today is a special day in which all dads are thanked, honored, and remembered. It is Father’s Day and we celebrate all our dads and all the men in our life that were like a dad to us. I have my one and only amazing father, but there are several others who have been like a dad to me over the years…like my father in law and good family friend of ours.
Today is an interesting day in our family. From first glance, most would look at Raun and say “Happy Father’s Day”, “Is this your first child” or “Happy First Father’s Day”. But for those that know our family, this isn’t his first Father’s Day. His first one happened three years ago, the first June after Samantha was born. Raun has been a dad for three years now, his roll has just changed a little bit now. Yes, this is the first Father’s Day with Timothy, but that doesn’t make it his first go around the block on this special day.
It’s has been an interesting week leading up to Father’s Day that has gotten me think. I receive email offers from some of my favorite local restaurants throughout the year. This week my inbox has been flooded with Father’s Day deals. Interestingly enough, the deal is bring in the family of four and dad receives something free. Family of four…we are a family of four. But if we were to walk into one of these restaurants I am guessing people would think we are crazy. There is a part of me that wants to email the place back and share our story, there is also a part that kind of just wants to show up the restaurant with crew in tow and something of Samantha’s, and yet still a part of me that wants to celebrate on a low key style & have the same responses to people who don’t know as we did for Mother’s Day. It’s such a weird place to be. We are a family of four, but look like a family of three.
I believe that families who have experienced the loss of a child learn a new way to celebrate holidays. And each year looks a little bit different. So I say, celebrate this special day however you want. May you have the courage and strength to find something memorable in the day. Today is a blessing. Happy Father’s Day to all the dads out there!
Happy Father’s day to you Raun! You are an amazing dad to our two beautiful children!!
When we found out that Samantha’s heart had stopped beating and that we would have to be admitted into labor and delivery, I didn’t know what to expect or do. Not to mention, at that point I wasn’t thinking very well as the emotions that ran through me were so strong. I asked the nurse on the phone what we needed to bring with and one item she mentioned was a camera. I didn’t really think much about it, I just tossed my point and shoot camera in the bag as we walked out the door. I am happy to say, I am very thankful and blessed for that piece of advice. We were able to get a few pictures of our sweet baby girl. The nurses were great at helping take photos and doing different things. Things at the time I had no idea why. The only comment, “you may not realize it now, but down the road you will be thankful to have these”.
When I found out that we were pregnant with Samantha I was excited. A bit overwhelmed at first, but so filled with joy. It didn’t take long for me to start thinking about how things might be down the road. Would our little girl be all girly girly filled with frills, lace, and princesses? Or would she be more rough and tumble, not afraid to get dirty? Or would she be a little bit of both? I dreamed that I would see her dance down the hall and one day dancing with her daddy.
In the past two years I have often wondered what Samantha would be like now. What color would her hair, her eyes have been? What features would she have had of her dad’s or mine? What would her personality be like? Would she be laid back like her daddy or have his sense of humor? Would she have my sense of organization and creativity? Many other thoughts and questions have run through my mind over the many months.
As I am bouncing my new little guy, I am thinking about Mother’s day. For those facing a loss, Mother’s Day can be hard to take in. And when it’s your first child, then what do you do. Is it still a celebration? It may seem weird to celebrate being a mom when your baby isn’t in your arms, but you should celebrate being a mom. Honestly, it will be tough, it was for me. Mother’s Day came just a few short months after we lost Samantha. It felt right to do a little something, but I also wanted the time to reflect a little as well. We spent that Mother’s Day enjoying the warmth of the sun (after a very long, snowy Winter), enjoying a coffee beverage & pastry from a local coffee shop, and sitting down by the Mississippi River.
From here on out, everything we encountered would be new to us. In just a few short weeks we went to the perinatal to have a complete scan and ultrasound. We also got to find out that we were having a boy. Throughout the early stages of our pregnancy I have been very lucky. I’ve gotten the chance to hear our little one’s heartbeat every couple of weeks. This has helped calmed my nerves greatly. I have to be honest though, there were times in between appointments that I would send an extra prayer or two through the day up to God, as well as nightly prayers that included our baby growing bigger and stronger each day, as well as continue to be healthy. I still had ups and downs of emotions as time went by. We began receiving items for Timothy, something that I hadn’t experienced with Samantha. We also got the nursery completed. Such a cute room for our little guy and I was excited to see it completed. However, I also felt guilty that we never got the chance to even begin to get a room ready for Samantha.
Nearly one year after experiencing our loss, I hit a point of near desperation. I wanted so much to be pregnant again. I wanted to grow our family. I would beg and plead with God to let it happen. When month after month went by, I broke down. I was beside myself. I wondered if we would ever be pregnant again. I wondered if I was only meant to be a mom of an angel baby. In the midst of this we make the decision to really try. Meaning, I tracked and I temped all in hopes of finding the right day. I thought by putting focus on it this way would make things come together. As more time went by, I think I got more frustrated. Then came Memorial weekend and we decided to go camping. I love to camp, but as this was like a mini vacation I didn’t want to put forth the effort of temping every morning. So, in a way I gave up or should I say gave in. I was putting more stress on myself than was necessary. It took me going camping and not willing to bring a thermometer with and wanting to wake up to the sun verses an alarm clock. After that weekend, I stopped temping and tracking. I realized that if I kept it all up our relationship would loose some spontaneity and I didn’t want things to be monotonous. Looking back now, I fully believe that by giving in to this and letting go rigidness of tracking allowed me to have less stress and eventually getting pregnant again. I began to realize that if I took the focus off of it, things would happen easily on their own. Just two months after giving up tracking and temping we got pregnant.
