Growing up we are told that silence is golden and that it’s okay to sit in the silence of the day.  All to often we get busy with all the to dos, places to be, and distractions like T.V. that silence isn’t there.  When that happens, it sometimes becomes hard to sit in silence and just breath, taking in the day.  We always feel like we need to be busy doing something, anything.  I fell into this trap.  When I had a down moment I didn’t know what to do.  So, I always found something to do, even if it was a mindless task.

The silence became even harder to take in after Samantha died.  It was in the silence that my mind would turn the events of all that happened over and over again.  It was like the VCR was stuck on repeat and I couldn’t shut it off.  Now, there were some days when I didn’t mind replaying the events of it, but there were a lot of times that I wanted it to stop…almost like a bad dream.  The nights were the hardest because when the whole world is silent and all you want to do is sleep to shut out your grief, it seems like that is when you are the most wide awake.  That’s when it all floods in.  The emotions, the guilt, the stress, the demands all breaking through as if the dam had burst wide open.  During the day it is easier to push those things out of your mind for a little while because you can find a distraction.  It may only last a bit, but sometimes that is all you need…a brief moment.  But at night, those distractions aren’t there any more.

As time went by, the silence didn’t both me as much.  It gave me chance to reflect.  However, I had to go somewhere else to get away from the distractions in order to be in silence.  I would usually find myself somewhere out in nature.  More often then not I would visit the memorial wall where Samantha’s name is written.  While surrounded by the business of the city and the airport, it is a small area where you can find some much needed, almost silent time.  But as most things go, the farther out we got from her death, the more busy I got and the less I wanted to be in the silence again.

It wasn’t until my little guy, our rainbow, was born…just over 2 years after Samantha.  Now I find myself sitting in the house, in the silence while he naps.  The only sounds are the clocks, the monitor, and outside noises if the windows are open.  It’s silence, and I have to say, it’s golden.  I find myself now wanting to turn the T.V. off and find other things to do.  While I still get lost in the business of the day, I still try to find time to be in the quiet each day.  I may read, I may go for walks, I may journal, or I may work on my gifts list.  I do get distracted by the computer, but even that I am trying to put down more.

In the silence we can learn a lot.  We may not always want to be in it, but it is a necessity of daily life.  Some days are hard days and some days are easy, and so it goes with being surrounded by the stillness of silence.  But all I can say now, is that even on the hard days, the silence is golden.

Liz Lauterbach

Wife, Mom, Photographer, and Writer walking the path of healing by sharing my story. http://www.myinfantloss.com
 
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