Nearly one year after experiencing our loss, I hit a point of near desperation.  I wanted so much to be pregnant again.  I wanted to grow our family.  I would beg and plead with God to let it happen.  When month after month went by, I broke down.  I was beside myself.  I wondered if we would ever be pregnant again.  I wondered if I was only meant to be a mom of an angel baby.  In the midst of this we make the decision to really try.  Meaning, I tracked and I temped all in hopes of finding the right day.  I thought by putting focus on it this way would make things come together.  As more time went by, I think I got more frustrated.  Then came Memorial weekend and we decided to go camping.  I love to camp, but as this was like a mini vacation I didn’t want to put forth the effort of temping every morning.  So, in a way I gave up or should I say gave in.  I was putting more stress on myself than was necessary.  It took me going camping and not willing to bring a thermometer with and wanting to wake up to the sun verses an alarm clock.  After that weekend, I stopped temping and tracking.  I realized that if I kept it all up our relationship would loose some spontaneity and I didn’t want things to be monotonous.  Looking back now, I fully believe that by giving in to this and letting go rigidness of tracking allowed me to have less stress and eventually getting pregnant again.  I began to realize that if I took the focus off of it, things would happen easily on their own.  Just two months after giving up tracking and temping we got pregnant.

The time between loosing Samantha and finding out we were pregnant again was about a year and half.  Sometimes that time seemed like so long and it wore on my emotions.  There were moments when I was hopeful and knew things would work out, knowing that I would have a child in heaven and child on earth.  I would one day have the chance to raise children of my own.  There were moments when I thought my dream of raising children of my own would never come true.  It’s hard to not put so much attention and focus on something when it is something your heart yearns for so much.  I learned that sometimes, now matter much you want something, you need to turn your focus onto something else and then all the pieces will begin to fall into place.  If you would have told me that in the midst of that year and a half, I would have laughed it off not fully believing it.  Now that we are on the other side of it all, I can see how sometimes putting too much attention onto something causes more stress.  Sometimes we have to given in, let go and the pieces will come together.  Easier said then done.  But when you lighten your load, your emotions and your physical being will be appreciative.  Things will happen naturally.

 

 

Liz Lauterbach

Wife, Mom, Photographer, and Writer walking the path of healing by sharing my story. http://www.myinfantloss.com
   
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