With the fact that we have only a month and half left to go before Timothy makes his appearance, it is quite obvious at this point that I am pregnant.  So, now when I am out shopping or out to dinner I have been asked a lot when I am due.  That is an easy question and I have no problems answering it with a giant smile.  However, there is always a question that follows…is this your first?.  That question I hesitate and with a half smile say yes.

I have a daughter already and a son on the way.  That means two kids.  But if someone doesn’t know my situation, I can’t seem to say I have two children.  I am not sure why I don’t say two when talking to someone I don’t know.  Maybe it’s because I don’t want to make them feel uncomfortable or maybe I am not truly ready to explain to people that I have one daughter in heaven and one on the way.  I feel guilty about it and it breaks my heart to say it.

I know that this all a part of the healing process after the loss of a child.  I also know that, from experience, that trying to get pregnant and being pregnant after such a loss brings about a lot of mixed emotions.  I honestly thought that I would be able to easily tell people I have two children.  I guess that is a stepping stone that I have come to but I am not quite ready to step out onto yet.

I hope that there comes a time when someone asks me how many children I have that I can answer without hesitation or without holding back the actual number.  As of today, that number is two.  Could be more down the road depending on where my path leads me.  One day, I will be able to step on the stone and continue down the road of healing.

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