It’s been just over a year and half since we said hello and goodbye to our daughter.  The time has, in some ways, gone by quickly…yet in other ways, not so much.  I have seen how it has affected my husband, my family, my friends, my work, and myself.  When everything first happened, I kept trying to find the “right” thing in memory of our daughter.  I began to realize that some of these items are just things and don’t truly represent our daughter and don’t seem to have as much meaning.  I have the important things in a keepsake box, displayed on our family wall, and in my heart.  Every now and then I do try be creative and create something personal.  Recently, I created a family ring.  It has my husbands birthstone, Samantha’s, and mine.

When Spring time rolled around this year I began to think of ways that I could honor Samantha on an ongoing basis, that held a strong meaning, and that could be done creatively.  I wanted to give back and to pass a little something along.  Dragonflies have always intrigued me.  With our pregnancy and shortly after, dragonflies seemed to be showing up here and there.  They became my connection to our daughter.  A blessing here on earth and something to let me know that things were alright.

Back in December I had some very special words that came to my mind that unfolded into a poem.  In honor of Samantha and our first Christmas we included the poem, along with a dragonfly with each of our Christmas cards.  That poem was the springboard that I needed.  I decided to make dragonflies.  Hand-beaded, bright colors, sparkle in the wings…just the way the show up in nature.  My hope is that as I pass them along, they will bring a sense of hope, comfort and strength.

Recently, my mom shared the completed project that she began working on at the beginning of the year.  My parents felt the need to do something in Samantha’s memory, so had a bench donated in a memorial garden through a local hospital near them.

There are so many ways that we can remember our angels.  If you are looking for ideas check out Beth Morey’s blog for an ebook for Remembering Your Child…http://www.bethmorey.com/2012/07/free-ebook-for-babylost-parents.html.  What are some ways that you have remembered your child?  What have you found that is helpful in honoring your child?  Share your ideas below

 

This post is getting out a little later than I anticipated, but I have been trying to decide what to write about this week.  I have been writing some poems lately.  The words just come to mind and then one line begins to flow into the next.  Before I know it I have a complete thought and a finished poem.  I have been trying to decide if I wanted to share them or keep them to myself.  The idea of writing has come easily to me generally, but poems come in short bursts.  The first one I wrote was for our Christmas card we sent out in 2011…our first Christmas without Samantha.  Now that poem is a key part of Samantha’s Dragonfly.  I have decided that poems are as equally as good as one of my normal blog posts.  The first poem is the one that I created just before Christmas and goes with each dragonfly that I make.  So, with a little hesitation still, here goes…

Dragonflies

Such beauty and grace, delicate and light

Washing calm and peace throughout

Bearer of comfort and strength

A little messenger, dropping by to say hi

Sometimes lingering, sometimes just but a moment

Soaring high, sparkling in the sun

Heavenly connection, closer to you my angel

Tears

tears streaming down almost like rain on the window

tears of sadness, of loss, of frustration

tears of hope, while giving in

tears of unanswered prayers

tears, the words of our heart

 With Each Storm, Comes A Rainbow

As the sky darkens

As the storm rolls in

As the rain begins to fall

My thoughts begin to wonder

Then as the rain begins to quicken

The lightening begins to flash

The thunder rolls

My focus shifts and my thoughts quiet

The sky begins to clear

Blue sky and white clouds

As the storm moves off into the distance

In between a beautiful rainbow

And there is calm

I am a mother

I am a mother

On the inside I know

But on the outside it doesn’t show

While my little girl rests in my heart

She is held by God’s loving arms

 

I grieve and I heal

I grieve and I heal

Sometimes I am happy

Other times I am sad

And yet I may be both at once

On the outside things may look good

But on the inside I may be falling to pieces

I may be falling to pieces on the outside

But on the inside I am cleansing my soul

It’s process with no finish line

I learn as I go and may not always understand

I grieve and I heal

 

This week Raun and I celebrated our 7 year anniversary. Our relationship together goes many more years than that…17 years! As you can imagine we have created many memories together, as well as had some interesting twists and turns over the years. But through them all we have gotten closer and stronger. I am blessed to have found someone who is caring and funny, easy going and smart. I have a truly amazing and wonderful husband, who is also my best friend. I don’t know where our road will lead us, but where ever it goes we will be walking it hand in hand and ending our nights with sleep well, sweet dreams, & I love yous. Here’s to many more memories and all the twists & turns they bring to get there. I love you, hun!

 

Today marks the last of the “year hurdles”.  July 5th was set as our due date.  I remember hearing the doctor say that it was the date Samantha was due, but I felt that it was too early.  In my mind I figured it would be later in July.  Turns out, we were both wrong.  Samantha came in January instead.  She had her own plan.

I am not sure how to look at this date.  Last year this date mark the what could have been.  The excitement, the anticipation, the joy.  Last year this day was really tough.  We went away for the weekend and did something we enjoyed…camping.  The last day we were there as I was walking back to our campsite the sun was shining through the trees creating a beautiful and peaceful image.  I captured that moment in the photo in this post.  It was after that that I began to feel ready to begin trying again.  A let’s just see what happens kind of trying again.

But this year, the date has a different feeling.  I can’t quite put into words exactly what it is, but it just feels different.  Even though this was Samantha’s expected arrival date, she came on January 27 instead.  A date which holds so much more meaning and significance.  I am not saying that July 5th isn’t important to remember, it’s just not as important this year.  I recognize this date and what it might have been.  However, that is not what is.

So on this day, I will remember and reflect.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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