I am choosing to call this a hurdle.  Some see it as a “the dreaded question”, which is not to say that I haven’t thought of it that way.  I recently had a change of perspective after talking to a friend.  What is this hurdle?  This question?

Do you have any children?  It is a simple question which leads to a simple response…yes or no.  However when you experience a miscarriage or stillbirth, the question is no longer simple.  Sometimes you want to say yes and sometimes you want to say no.  It all depends on your own healing and grieving process.  It also depends on how you feel and your own thoughts on the subject.

For me, I hear myself screaming from inside yes, yes I do.  However, on the outside, with hesitation, out comes a um no.  It tears my heart to say that.  But, more often then not, if I don’t know the person I don’t want to get in to the whole story.  I am not sure why this has been.  It is probably because I don’t want to make someone uncomfortable.  It’s weird, I can put it into words and put it out on my blog.  But when in the moment, something stops me.  This is my hurdle.

I am not going to lie…part of me wants to just say screw it and when people ask, say yes.  But, the part of me that tries to not make people feel uncomfortable, is very hesitant about doing that.  Maybe it’s because of the slew of questions that could follow and how does one answer them.  Like, how many, how old,what’s their name(s)?  I know it’s best to be honest, but sometimes it is hard.  Miscarriages and stillbirth are not black and white.  There becomes a lot of gray that goes with it.

In my mind the answers are simple…yes, I have a child.  She was 17 weeks old and her name is Samantha.  Now, the hurdle…saying it to others, even if they don’t know our story yet.  Jumping this hurdle will be tough, but I believe that it is something that I need to do.  It is another step in the healing process of grief.  Who knows, maybe it will open up a connection as well.

Liz Lauterbach

Wife, Mom, Photographer, and Writer walking the path of healing by sharing my story. http://www.myinfantloss.com
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