As we move throughout life there are always times we wonder. It seems that when there is change it cause us to wonder more. When the change is welcomed, the wondering seems to provide a positive exciting spin on things. However, when the change is not well received or completely unexpected the wondering seems to take on a different spin.
When I found out that we were pregnant I was very excited. That excitement lead me to wonder what our family would be like. We were going from two of us to three. What would our little one look like? What would their personality be like? What would it be like to be parents? Were we really ready for this? All of this provided excitement and joy, as well as some nervousness. We were going to be first time parents.
When I found out that there was no longer a heartbeat the excitement turned into shock and denial. I began to wonder what happened. What did I do wrong? How am I going to get through this? How are we going to get through this? What next? As I began to move through the grief and healing I began to wonder what might have been. As we approach a year from the due date, I can’t help but to wonder what things would have been like had Samantha made it to full term. How different the past year and half would have truly been.
Now, as we have made the decision to try again, I find myself and my mind wondering a bit. Or, more accurately, a lot. I wonder what I can do to make things turn out differently. As each month goes by, I wonder why it’s taking so long to get pregnant again and if I was meant to be a mother to children on earth.
There is nothing we did wrong and what happened was completely out of our control. I’m not going to lie, it does suck. There isn’t a day that goes by that I wish to have Samantha down here with us instead of up in heaven. But as time goes by I am trying to learn from it. I may never truly know why this all happened, but there is a lot I can take away from it. It all has provided me with a different perspective on life. I can’t change what happened. And I will still wonder.