I have been thinking on and off throughout the day about how to begin and write this post.  And once beginning, I ended up walking away for a little while and did a little cooking to refocus my thoughts.  For whatever reason when I am cooking my thoughts seem to come together better and then I am ready to write.  The same thing happens when I go for walks.  This post is on emotions.  Sounds simple right?  But it seems to become more complicated when you loose a child and when you begin to try to get pregnant again.  Something that becomes more intricate because everybody grieves differently.  There are some people out there who just get it, others who try, and yet others who never truly understand.

Emotions are a complicated thing.   I have experienced emotions that I have never really experienced since Samantha died.  I am not the jealous type, but in the early stages when I saw others that were pregnant it made my heart ache.  I so wanted to be pregnant again.  To be able to bring home a healthy baby.  They had something I wanted.  I learned to move past this by telling myself that I didn’t know their story.  Maybe it was easy for them to get pregnant, but maybe it wasn’t.  Or maybe they were facing similar trials like I was.  I didn’t know their story and what led them to where they are now.  This seemed to to help and as time passed the feeling lessened.  Eventually it went away.

I never knew before now that you could be happy and sad at the same time.  Overall, there were times…even multiple days in a row that I would be sad for what seemed to be the whole day through.  However, looking at an individual day or moment in the day I was able to recall being happy and laughing.  This was one of the hardest things for me.  My child died, I am grieving but yet it is okay to smile, laugh, even find happiness and joy.

The decision to try again came with a flood of new emotions.  Sometimes overwhelming, sometimes confusing, sometimes just plain scared.  I have been learning different ways to de-stress and refocus.  I have been placing my energies into walking more, doing more creative projects, organizing, and spending time with people who mean a lot to me.  I have people tell me so much to not think about it.  This only caused me to think and focus, even obsess over it.  This is why the refocusing.  I have to leave it up God.  It will happen when the timing is right.

I can only imagine the emotions that will come when do get pregnant again.  Joy, happiness, excitement. Scared, nervousness, fear, worry.  Sometimes the thought of being pregnant terrifies me a little.  I believe this feeling comes from having experienced the death of our daughter.  There are so many different outcomes and it can seem terrifying, scary, or overwhelming.  It is my belief that when do get pregnant again I have the comfort of knowing that we have a phenomenal support system around us.  Sure there will be times of nervousness, but knowing we are surrounded will bring a sense of peace to help lessen that feeling.

And so continues the flood of emotions.

Liz Lauterbach

Wife, Mom, Photographer, and Writer walking the path of healing by sharing my story. http://www.myinfantloss.com
   
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