During this whole process of grief, healing, and trying again it’s hard to not feel defeated sometimes.  I’d be kidding myself if I said that I haven’t felt this way on occasion.  I find that the feelings of defeat have come more often since we began trying again.  It is only human to work ourselves up in anticipation of something, especially when it is something we really want.  The higher the anticipation, the greater the reward sometimes.  Likewise, the higher the anticipation the greater the fall feels when it doesn’t turn out like we’ve planned.  For me, when I am feeling defeated, that seems to be the time when my fears seem to rise up.

I have to keep telling myself to have faith…to be brave…to have hope.  It’s no wonder when a baby is born that it is considered a miracle.  All the pieces that have fit together just so to make it all work out, it’s truly an amazing thing.  Honestly, I am no different than any of those out there who decide to grow their family.  We all want to have this little miracle.  After you experience the loss of a child, that want and desire seem to grow even bigger.  So it is really important, dare I say imperative to continue to have hope.  Because with hope, you will find faith, and with faith you will be able to be brave to stand strong and face the day, not to mention all the emotions that go with it.

I received a piece of advice from a friend recently.  It is a great idea, but I have to admit it feels like a little counter intuitive.  It goes against the normal flow of human nature-in a good way though.  She told me that you need to tell yourself that you are strong.  That you can carry a baby.  That you can provide a place that provides what your baby needs.  You can create and carry life.  You can do this.

When you think about it, it is kind of like the pep talk given at half time to the team from the coach when the game isn’t going as well as they had planned for.  It is done to inspire the team, to motivate them, to tell them that they have the skills and ability to accomplish what is needed in order to finish the game wining.  We all need a little pep talk to get us motivated every now and then.  So be sure to give yourself the pep talk you need to help you be strong…to have hope…to have faith…and to be brave.

I keep telling myself this little pep talk.  So this way I can keep hoping and keep believing.  I have faith, though it may wavier sometimes, I can do this.  Maybe it’s time for you to create your own little pep talk.  What is it that you need to say to yourself to feel that sense of hope again, to have faith, to help you feel brave and strong?

 

Fears…something we think about, something we face almost daily.  No matter the look I can put on the outside, there still can be some underlying fears.  I am an analyzer, so sometimes those fears are because I over analyze a situation.  But there are times when the fears are legitimate.  To not let my fears get the best of me I try to work them out.  I talk about them, I think them over to see what the real issue is, and sometimes I wait.  I wait for God to intervene.  Recently my fears have been either linked with teaching or linked with our decision to try again.

With teaching I began to wonder if what I do really makes a difference, especially now that I am a sub.  I began to fear that I wasn’t good at what I do and wasn’t sure if it made any difference if I was there or not.  Even wondered if my skills were better utilized doing something else.  In the past year these fears have been popping up every so often.  Some of it, I believe, originates to the combination of feeling like everything was in place-the career and the family life.  I was being awarded teacher of the year for my accomplishments and I was pregnant for the first time.  In my mind’s eye, life couldn’t have been any better.  A week later, I delivered Samantha due to a miscarriage.  I went from feeling like I was on top of the world to having my world come crashing down.  I know and recognize that these two events have little to do with each other than how the timing all came down.  But it doesn’t stop me from every now and then fearing that I am not good at teaching.  A week ago, I got a little wake up call…I think God knew I needed a little boost.

I was delivering snack to classrooms at work the other week.  After dropping snack off in a classroom and moving onto the next, I was called back into one of the classrooms I had visited already.  The teacher told me that the kids asked her where had I been, when will i be back in there again, I miss her, and I love that teacher.  It did my heart good.  And the icing on the cake?  As I went to leave the room several of the kids said “I love you Ms. L!  This made me remember, I still do good work.

My other fears come from the decision to try again.  Like most other baby loss moms out there, when you have lost a child there are a lot of thoughts that go through your mind when you begin the process of trying again.  You are told to not think about it so much and it will happen.  Or you need to do xyz to get pregnant.  Or you need to focus on other things and it will all come together.  Or stop worrying.  Or you need to just move on.  Some of these thoughts and ideas are easier said then done.  Some can come across hurtful.  Some need to be expressed when asked for ideas or advice.  And some, just need to be heard from those who have walked similar footsteps.

So, what fears are coming out?  The biggest…what if a loss happens again?.  Then comes…if I haven’t gotten pregnant again yet, what I am doing wrong?.  These are the things that go through my mind.  I try to not worry, not dwell, not over think, but it doesn’t get rid of the thought.  It still resides, sometimes on the surface, sometimes deep down.  I can only take care of and control the things, so that is what I am going to focus on.  I am going to find ways to make my life healthier, get in more doses of photography & writing, spend time with the people I love & things I love to do, take the back roads, and set better boundaries on the areas of my life that need it.

I may not be able to stop the fear from coming, but at least I can try to recognize it, face it, and move forward…and cross the tough bridges when they actually come into my path.

Fears can be big or small, but they still have the power to paralyze us in the moment.  We need to have faith and be brave in order to push forward.  What do you do to work through your fears?

 

 

 

After the loss of a child, couples are faced with the grief, the healing process, and the question of do we try again.  The grief and healing process come with time.  But the question that sits just below the surface, waiting to come out, is do we want to try again.  So, are we ready? Do we want to?  Are we going to?  What if?

For some the answer is already there because the circumstances of their previous pregnancy and loss.  They may have been left without the option to try again due to health, risk, age, etc.  For others it is about being ready again…ready to face being pregnant again…ready to face the risks and rewards…ready to face fears and hopes.

Near the end of last Summer we decided that we were trying again.  By trying I mean, seeing what happens and going with the flow.  I wasn’t charting, temping, or counting.  A couple of months ago we had a long talk and decided that we really wanted to start “trying to try”, as I put it.  So to the calendar I went.  Since then I have had people tell me I should do this or should do that to better our chances of getting pregnant.  My conclusion is…I am doing what is best for my husband, me, and our relationship.

So begins the journey of trying to grow our family.  When you were ready to try again, how did you know?  What thoughts and feelings do you have running through your mind as you are going through this process?  If you have been through the process of trying again, what words of advice and encouragement would you give to others?

 

Spring is here!  Not only does the calendar say it, but so does the weather.  For most of us who are in the northern Midwest Spring coming is a great sign.  This year Spring seems to be showing up a little bit earlier than usual.  It was still Winter when we hit 80 degrees.  What that means for the rest of the season and the seasons to follow, I haven’t a clue.  What I do know is that I love Spring!  Next to Fall, Spring is my other favorite season.

It is a season the brings new growth, hope, warmth, and beauty.  Just watching all the green begin to pop everywhere around me is refreshing.  I now have flowers that are getting ready to bloom and my chives are nearly a foot tall already!  But I love it.  As I am writing this post I am sitting on my patio, listening to some of my favorite tunes and soaking up the sun.  I like to feel the warmth of the sun wash over me.  It brings in a sense of calm.

Seeing the plants beginning to push through the newly thawed ground and blooms starting to grow makes me remember.  I remember that we too go through a continual growth and blossom period.  Those plants work hard to push through the dirt, striving to feel the warmth of the sun shine down them.  Through life’s daily stresses, struggles, worries and frustration we need to push through to find our warmth, to find our sunshine.

What brings you warmth?  Where does your sunshine come from?

For me…being outdoors, photography, writing, family, and friends.  Share with me below your favorite season, what it means to you, and where your sunshine comes from

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