This weekend I am taking a break from sharing more of “The Story” to share my current thoughts. This week has been quite the ups and downs. There are some things that I am very excited about, but there are some things that I am greatly struggling with.
I had a conversation with Raun about his thoughts and feelings with the upcoming days. Why? Because July 5 was the tentative due date that we were given by the doctor. He said he hadn’t really had the chance to think about it. It is interesting how this sort of thing affects people so differently, yet so very similar. Like he said, and I agree, I had it all mapped out and he really hadn’t much. It all makes total sense. For me, this would have been my last week at work for a while and we wouldn’t being doing things like camping for the fourth like we are. He, was taking it one day at a time, one appointment at a time. We all have our own way of going through it all.
My great struggles have to do with the debate that is going on in my own mind-the I should or the I shouldn’t, we should/could or we shouldn’t/couldn’t. I had gotten better at recognizing this a few months ago and was able to push it out and try to look at the positive of it all. However, these have come back in full force, causing me to have to try to numb myself at work and just jump from day to day. I have also been filled with a lot of why’s, what’s, and when’s- why us, what did I do, when will we be pregnant again. These are all questions I know I will never be able to answer.
So, on the advice from a friend, I am trying to focus on the blessings I and we have. I am lucky to have my health, I have a strong (very strong) relationship in which we have endured much over the years and have come out stronger on the other side, I have a wonderful family and small group of friends, I am supported in all my endeavors and have had a strong core group helping me manage through everything one step at a time, I have to glorious little kitties who snuggle and make me laugh doing my heart good, and I have my photography. This is such a small list that will continually be added to, filling up a jar full of blessings.
I will never have answers to all my questions, and while I may feel lost or overwhelmed or a number of any other feelings I am trying to take on a different perspective from this all. After finishing my most recent book “When Bad Things Happen to Good People” I came out with a different perspective on it all. It is taking some time and practice, I am stumbling a lot, but I am trying my best to incorporate this into daily life.
The author suggests that “the bad things that happen to us in our lives do not have meaning when the happen. They do not happen for any good reason which would cause us to accept them willingly. But we can give them a meaning. We can redeem these tragedies from senselessness by imposing meaning on them. The question we should be asking is not,” Why did this happen to me? What did I do to deserve this?” That is really an unanswerable, pointless question. A better question would be “Now that this has happened to me, what am I going to do about it?”” When we are really struggling and lost we should try instead of asking “God, why are you doing this to me”, to ask “God, can you see me? Can you help me?”
So, in the words of my sister in law Marit “Love it while you live it…. Hug your family tight and tell them you love them – everything else is just icing on the cake”