February 15-

I am finding out that being at work is tougher than I thought and somewhat impedes on my grief time. Thus, making it take longer to get through things. There are a lot of days I come home from work with tears on the drive home. For instance, yesterday I had a parent say to me “wow! You still seem really thing, how far a long are you again?” My response was simple “I was 17 weeks”. She understood, asked a few questions and that was that. At least it was from her perspective, but from mine I could feel myself beginning to turn inward more and shrink up.

Each day I go into work and have to put on a façade while there for the kids and parents. It isn’t always easy to keep up sometimes and I melt down in the bathroom or a few tears while in the classroom. I was asked today how things were going and we began a bit of a talk. Some things are harder than others and there are all these pup up triggers which make it tougher (like my snow pants fitting better than ever, we were doing a life cycles unit and the kids had to bring in their baby pictures). I also mentioned that it is good to be at work, but yet it is not. Maybe this would all be a little easier if I didn’t work with kids and families every day.

 

February 11-

I am finding that as the days go by I keep finding little triggers that bring a wave of tears and emotion. I knew there were going to be things that tripped me up down the road, the big things, but I forgot to look at the little things. And as much as I wish I could prepare for these, it is impossible. Some things I think I can be ready for, but even those things I am never truly ready for.

Today’s little trigger was a simple thing-putting on my snow pants to go outside. What did me in? The fact that they know fit and to top it off, they fit better now than they did last Winter. I talked with Raun when I got home about triggers. I feel like there have been a lot for me, but I wasn’t able to see many for him. He doesn’t have many, but he has a big one. On his way to work he passes the water tower that is near the cemetery. So while I may have many different ones to face each day, he has one big one, the same one, to face every day. As time goes by, hopefully these things will get smaller and fewer, as well as less frequent.
I ended my work day with sharing my keepsake box with those at work. I was hoping that it would help to relieve some of my feelings by opening up and sharing. In all actuality, all I did was say what was what in the box and answer a few questions as we went along. I am realizing now, that it is hard to be around those who really don’t understand. They may show some interest, but I really wonder how much they really want to know or can really help.

 

February 8- 

The day came and went, moving through on auto pilot.  I only stopped momentarily to tell my co teacher all that had happened, and then every now and then when she asked questions.  I have been taking moments to use the bathroom, only to find myself holding back tears.  I just keep bottling it up and put on a happy face and try to make it through the day.   If only those around me would be there for me the way I am there for the kids in my room and those around me.

 

  

The weekend of the Fourth of July this year Raun and I decided to take a camping trip.  We didn’t have to drive far to get to a slice rest, retreat, and perspectives.  The area was aboslutely beautiful filled with trails, deer, dragonflies, waterfall, and brightly colored birds.  Each morning the deer passed by our campsite while we enjoyed breakfast.  From day to day we lost track of time.  We woke to the sun as it rose and went to bed when the moon came up.  We spent time hiking the trails and taking in all the insects, wildlife, and birds.  At the waterall we watched, soaked up the sun, and played in the water.  There were moments of silence and just taking in the surroundings and there were moments of creating.  We had time to talk, listen, and be us.  Changes happened, things opened up, and perpectives have surfaced.

This little froggie, as well as many others, we hoping from one side of the path to the other.  The path was probably about 5 feet across.  No big deal for us, two steps across and we are done.  But for this little frog, it can seem like miles, especially with feet coming your way, as well as a vehcile.  This little guy taught me, that no matter how big the task or challenge, you can make it through one step at a time.  Your steps may be small, some times you may jump backwards, or retrace some of your steps, but with strenght and persaverance you can make it to where you are going.  You don’t have to know your final desitnation, as long as you have direction, guidance, and leave yourself room to grow.

 

 

Even though life seems to spin by you faster and faster each day, try to slow down every now and then to look at whats around you.  Especially if you are out in nature, there are so many things to see if you look all ways and slow down.  I was walking back to our sight when I looked ahead down the path and this is what I saw.  I stopped for a moment to look at and take it in.  It was beautiful.  While standing there looking at it a sense of calm and peace enveloped me.  I continued my walk back, grabbed the camera and returned.  Took it all in once more, then went and shared the photos with Raun.

 

 

 

 

 Take chances and live by the moment.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s okay to plan things out some of the time.  But sometimes you need to throw the schedule, hesitation, routine, fear, or whatever might be holding you back away and just fly. 

 

 

 

Remember to take time to rest, relax, and take care of yourself.  This is most important on your toughest days.  Things take time to process, understand, and fully open up. 

 

 

Remember to

Cherish Life’s Simple Treasures

 

February 7- 

After the weekend, today was a tough day.  I don’t remember much from the day and looking back I feel like I was on auto pilot at work.  Fortunately, it was an easy day at work.  I came home to a package from Raun’s mom.  She sent us a garden stone in memory of Samantha to put out come Spring.  Right now, I wish Spring would come soon and that this was all a dream.  As the evening went on I didn’t do much and prepared myself for tomorrow.  My co-teacher has been gone through this whole time and I know I will have to tell the whole story.  I keep wondering, will it ever get easier to tell people about this.

 

July 2011-

   This weekend I am taking a break from sharing more of “The Story” to share my current thoughts.  This week has been quite the ups and downs.  There are some things that I am very excited about, but there are some  things that I am greatly struggling with.

   I had a conversation with Raun about his thoughts and feelings with the upcoming days.  Why?  Because July 5 was the tentative due date that we were given by the doctor.  He said he hadn’t really had the chance to think about it.  It is interesting how this sort of thing affects people so differently, yet so very similar.  Like he said, and I agree, I had it all mapped out and he really hadn’t much.  It all makes total sense.  For me, this would have been my last week at work for a while and we wouldn’t being doing things like camping for the fourth like we are.  He, was taking it one day at a time, one appointment at a time.  We all have our own way of going through it all.

   My great struggles have to do with the debate that is going on in my own mind-the I should or the I shouldn’t, we should/could or we shouldn’t/couldn’t.  I had gotten better at recognizing this a few months ago and was able to push it out and try to look at the positive of it all.  However, these have come back in full force, causing me to have to try to numb myself at work and just jump from day to day.  I have also been filled with a lot of why’s, what’s, and when’s- why us, what did I do, when will we be pregnant again.  These are all questions I know I will never be able to answer.

So, on the advice from a friend, I am trying to focus on the blessings I and we have.  I am lucky to have my health, I have a strong (very strong) relationship in which we have endured much over the years and have come out stronger on the other side, I have a wonderful family and small group of friends, I am supported in all my endeavors and have had a strong core group helping me manage through everything one step at a time, I have to glorious little kitties who snuggle and make me laugh doing my heart good, and I have my photography.  This is such a small list that will continually be added to, filling up a jar full of blessings.

I will never have answers to all my questions, and while I may feel lost or overwhelmed or a number of any other feelings I am trying to take on a different perspective from this all.  After finishing my most recent book “When Bad Things Happen to Good People” I came out with a different perspective on it all.  It is taking some time and practice, I am stumbling a lot, but I am trying my best to incorporate this into daily life.

The author suggests that “the bad things that happen to us in our lives do not have meaning when the happen.  They do not happen for any good reason which would cause us to accept them willingly.  But we can give them a meaning.  We can redeem these tragedies from senselessness by imposing meaning on them.  The question we should be asking is not,” Why did this happen to me?  What did I do to deserve this?”  That is really an unanswerable, pointless question.  A better question would be “Now that this has happened to me, what am I going to do about it?””  When we are really struggling and lost we should try instead of asking “God, why are you doing this to me”, to ask “God, can you see me?  Can you help me?” 

 

So, in the words of my sister in law Marit “Love it while you live it…. Hug your family tight and tell them you love them – everything else is just icing on the cake”

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