It’s been a059 long time since I have written here.  In fact, I don’t remember the last time I sat down to share my thoughts and happenings.  A lot has kept me busy.  I am adjusting to life as a stay at home mom to my almost 1 year old.  Can’t believe my little rainbow baby is almost a year old already.  Then again, Samantha turned three this year.  It’s weird how time seems to be going by faster and faster.  At least, it is being filled with many wonderful moments.  Not to say that I don’t have tough moments still, but I am learning to deal with them.  I work my way through the emotions and thoughts, walking along this grief and healing path.  There are days when I must admit that I don’t have Samantha in the forefront of my mind any more.  She is always there, might be tucked away.  But she is always there and always in my heart.  I am blessed to have a wonderful angel watching over my family and I.  She has taught me much over the past years and given me a new perspective on life.  One day, I will introduce my little guy to his big sister.  But for now, I will watch him grow, giggle, and bring smiles.  He is touching our lives greatly and the lives of others.  Much the same as his sister, though a little different.  She touches lives through dragonflies and he touches lives through smiles.  Our family has grown, our hearts are full, and our memories keep building.

Going forward, I may occasionally post on here, but for the most part things are going to be left as is.  That being said, this is in a way, a final post.  The site will still be around as a resource, you can still request dragonflies, and you can always contact me if you need anything (support, questions that you are searching answers for, or someone to just listen).  Feel free to send me an email at  I would love to hear from you about your journey.

In the meantime, I will be focusing on my family, doing the things I enjoy, and hopefully once Spring actually arrives be out enjoying it.  I will continue to write when I get the chance and I will post my mama side at  I am continuing to capture many wonderful moments through the lens of my camera and when I get the chance to be creative I go for it.

Please know that I am grateful to everyone who has been there and continues to be there through this all.  I have had an amazing group of support from family and true friends.  Thank you to everyone who has helped along this path so far and thank you to all who have been following me and my journey through this site.  I hope that you will find your strength, your courage, and your joy.  One day your light will shine brightly again.  I send along the blessing of a dragonfly to you in hopes that it will brighten your day and let you find that little bit of peace and hope that you need.

(The beautiful photo is one of my favorites from my favorite places to visit.  It’s Bayfield, WI.  This is from when my husband and I visited Labor Day weekend the year we lost Samantha.  We hadn’t planned any vacations that year, but when that weekend rolled around we felt drawn to go somewhere.  It was our third time going there and we were going because it is a place we love, feel at home, and to relax.)


It’s been 7 months since Timothy was born into our world, forever stealing our hearts.  As time goes by, I am finding myself thinking often of Samantha.  There are a lot of things that I get to do with Tim that I don’t get to do with Samantha.  At first it made me really sad and the emotions hit really hard.

But then I began to take a different perspective on it.  I was blessed with four amazing grandparents, all which have since left us here on earth and our a part of the angels that watch over us on a daily basis.  Each of them moved on at different points in my life.  Unfortunately, my final living grandparent, my grandpa, passed away before we knew we were pregnant.  It all happened around the same time.  So, none of them got to meet Timothy.  But they all have gotten to meet Samantha.

So, when I am doing things with Timothy I picture at least one of my grandparents doing the same thing with Samantha.  I usually find myself thinking of this especially when I get to rock with Timothy.  As I rock with him, I imagine one of my grandparents rocking with Samantha.  The image brings a smile to my face.  As Timothy settles into my chest; comfortable, happy, healthy, safe, and loved, I know Samantha is in the same good arms wrapped around her.

Some day, I will find away to truly capture this image and bring it more to life.  But for now, I have the beautiful images in my mind and close to my heart.


Growing up we are told that silence is golden and that it’s okay to sit in the silence of the day.  All to often we get busy with all the to dos, places to be, and distractions like T.V. that silence isn’t there.  When that happens, it sometimes becomes hard to sit in silence and just breath, taking in the day.  We always feel like we need to be busy doing something, anything.  I fell into this trap.  When I had a down moment I didn’t know what to do.  So, I always found something to do, even if it was a mindless task.

The silence became even harder to take in after Samantha died.  It was in the silence that my mind would turn the events of all that happened over and over again.  It was like the VCR was stuck on repeat and I couldn’t shut it off.  Now, there were some days when I didn’t mind replaying the events of it, but there were a lot of times that I wanted it to stop…almost like a bad dream.  The nights were the hardest because when the whole world is silent and all you want to do is sleep to shut out your grief, it seems like that is when you are the most wide awake.  That’s when it all floods in.  The emotions, the guilt, the stress, the demands all breaking through as if the dam had burst wide open.  During the day it is easier to push those things out of your mind for a little while because you can find a distraction.  It may only last a bit, but sometimes that is all you need…a brief moment.  But at night, those distractions aren’t there any more.

As time went by, the silence didn’t both me as much.  It gave me chance to reflect.  However, I had to go somewhere else to get away from the distractions in order to be in silence.  I would usually find myself somewhere out in nature.  More often then not I would visit the memorial wall where Samantha’s name is written.  While surrounded by the business of the city and the airport, it is a small area where you can find some much needed, almost silent time.  But as most things go, the farther out we got from her death, the more busy I got and the less I wanted to be in the silence again.

It wasn’t until my little guy, our rainbow, was born…just over 2 years after Samantha.  Now I find myself sitting in the house, in the silence while he naps.  The only sounds are the clocks, the monitor, and outside noises if the windows are open.  It’s silence, and I have to say, it’s golden.  I find myself now wanting to turn the T.V. off and find other things to do.  While I still get lost in the business of the day, I still try to find time to be in the quiet each day.  I may read, I may go for walks, I may journal, or I may work on my gifts list.  I do get distracted by the computer, but even that I am trying to put down more.

In the silence we can learn a lot.  We may not always want to be in it, but it is a necessity of daily life.  Some days are hard days and some days are easy, and so it goes with being surrounded by the stillness of silence.  But all I can say now, is that even on the hard days, the silence is golden.


Today is a special day in which all dads are thanked, honored, and remembered.  It is Father’s Day and we celebrate all our dads and all the men in our life that were like a dad to us.  I have my one and only amazing father, but there are several others who have been like a dad to me over the years…like my father in law and good family friend of ours.

Today is an interesting day in our family.  From first glance, most would look at Raun and say “Happy Father’s Day”, “Is this your first child” or “Happy First Father’s Day”.  But for those that know our family, this isn’t his first Father’s Day.  His first one happened three years ago, the first June after Samantha was born.  Raun has been a dad for three years now, his roll has just changed a little bit now.  Yes, this is the first Father’s Day with Timothy, but that doesn’t make it his first go around the block on this special day.

It’s has been an interesting week leading up to Father’s Day that has gotten me think.  I receive email offers from some of my favorite local restaurants throughout the year.  This week my inbox has been flooded with Father’s Day deals.  Interestingly enough, the deal is bring in the family of four and dad receives something free.  Family of four…we are a family of four.  But if we were to walk into one of these restaurants I am guessing people would think we are crazy.  There is a part of me that wants to email the place back and share our story, there is also a part that kind of just wants to show up the restaurant with crew in tow and something of Samantha’s, and yet still a part of me that wants to celebrate on a low key style & have the same responses to people who don’t know as we did for Mother’s Day.  It’s such a weird place to be.  We are a family of four, but look like a family of three.

I believe that families who have experienced the loss of a child learn a new way to celebrate holidays.  And each year looks a little bit different.  So I say, celebrate this special day however you want.  May you have the courage and strength to find something memorable in the day.  Today is a blessing.  Happy Father’s Day to all the dads out there!

Happy Father’s day to you Raun!  You are an amazing dad to our two beautiful children!!


When we found out that Samantha’s heart had stopped beating and that we would have to be admitted into labor and delivery, I didn’t know what to expect or do.  Not to mention, at that point I wasn’t thinking very well as the emotions that ran through me were so strong.  I asked the nurse on the phone what we needed to bring with and one item she mentioned was a camera.  I didn’t really think much about it, I just tossed my point and shoot camera in the bag as we walked out the door.  I am happy to say, I am very thankful and blessed for that piece of advice.  We were able to get a few pictures of our sweet baby girl.  The nurses were great at helping take photos and doing different things.  Things at the time I had no idea why.  The only comment, “you may not realize it now, but down the road you will be thankful to have these”.

That nurse was right.  We are lucky to have photos, as many who experience a miscarriage or stillbirth do not have the chance to take photos.  We may not have many, but the one’s we do are a treasure.  I know now that there are organizations out there of professional photographers who come in and will take photos of the parents and their baby.  It’s a great service, however your little one usually has to be considered stillbirth age in order for them to come in.  For those having a miscarriage, especially early on, we are left to not having any photos or taking our own if possible.  It is my advice, that no matter how far along you are, take photos.  Take as many as you can or have someone you know help you out.

We recently had professional photos done of Timothy and us.  This is an opportunity we didn’t get with Samantha, so when the chance arose I jumped quickly at it.  One of the best parts of the session was that we had family photos done…family photos of all four of us.  Using some special items that were Samantha’s or reminded us of her, we were able to snap a few photos of all of us.  The photographer was great and even before I got started in showing what we had for “props” she was asking if there items of Samantha’s that we wanted to include.  I was in awe and felt blessed that she remembered, as well as recognized our daughter.  She even asked Samantha if possible to send a real dragonfly down during the shoot.  We didn’t see a real one that day, as our time outside was limited to small windows due to rain.  However, while taking photos outside we were surrounded by all the garden art dragonflies that we have.

So, when you have the opportunity take photos.  You can never have to many, as they all will be a treasure down the road.


When I found out that we were pregnant with Samantha I was excited.  A bit overwhelmed at first, but so filled with joy.  It didn’t take long for me to start thinking about how things might be down the road.  Would our little girl be all girly girly filled with frills, lace, and princesses?  Or would she be more rough and tumble, not afraid to get dirty?  Or would she be a little bit of both?  I dreamed that I would see her dance down the hall and one day dancing with her daddy.

Those dreams never came true when Samantha died.  They may be slightly shattered now, but they still remain just a dream.  Out of loosing Samantha new dreams began to surface.  One big one, the dream to have another child.  Another dream was to do something in her honor.  I started Samantha’s Dragonflies the Fall that year we lost Samantha.  Dragonflies represent her and bring me a sense of peace.  They are my way of knowing she is alright and everything is going to be okay.  Today, I still make the dragonflies.  However, the sit and wait.  The wait to fly out to those who need one.

If you or someone you know could use a dragonfly blessing please let me know.  All my dragonflies come with a special poem I wrote the first Christmas after we lost Samantha.  I have been blessed by dragonflies on my journey, let me pass that blessing and dream on to you.


In the past two years I have often wondered what Samantha would be like now.  What color would her hair, her eyes have been?  What features would she have had of her dad’s or mine? What would her personality be like?  Would she be laid back like her daddy or have his sense of humor? Would she have my sense of organization and creativity? Many other thoughts and questions have run through my mind over the many months.

Lately, when I look at Timothy I can’t help but to wonder even more.  Our little guy is irresistibly adorable.  I know, I am his mom…I am supposed to say that.  But I am not the only one who has said it.  I wonder what features he has that his sister would have had.  I also wonder what kind of sister she would have been to her baby brother.

Day by day, I see Timothy’s personality starting to show through and I know that he has a great big sister.  I am sure there would be some similarities, but each have their own uniqueness.  Samantha has a big job…she is a guardian angel to her little brother.  He’s one lucky guy to have someone so special watching over him.

One day we will all visit the cemetery where Samantha is, take a few photos, and reflect a little.  Down the road we will share with Timothy about his big sister.  For now, I get to see a little bit of his dad, sister, and me in him.


The other day I was talking with a friend and she told me that someone close to her had recently experienced a miscarriage.  My friend didn’t know what to say to them and turned to my website for insight.  Here’s where I have fallen short.  This is a topic that I have not written on.  Seems a little odd that it hasn’t come out sooner and I apologize to all who have come to the site for help on this topic.  For each person who has suffered a pregnancy or infant loss, what to say and not say can differ a little because of how each of handles situations.  However, I feel like there are some common things that we either need to hear or don’t need to hear.  Some of these have been said to me and some have been said to those who have walked a similar path as I have.

What to not say

  • You can still have other children
  • It’s better this way or This is God’s way of telling you
  • So, when are you going to get back on the horse (the day you are discharged from the hospital)
  • You baby has expired
  • You need to just get over it or move on
  • You shouldn’t dwell in the past or on it
  • You should be done grieving by now
  • Why don’t you put everything that you have out in honor of them away to help you move forward
  • At least you weren’t that far along
  • It wasn’t meant to be
  • Maybe next time you can take extra vitamins

What to say

  • If you need to talk, I am here to listen
  • The child’s name, if there wasn’t a name given you can encourage the family to name their child
  • Your baby is beautiful
  • You are a mom/dad, no matter how many you have lost or even if you do not have other children yet
  • We may not always know what we need ourselves, so instead of asking what can you do do something specific for the family.  Like…bring meals, meet for coffee
  • I’ve been thinking about you. This can still be done months & years down the road
  • Remember their child in some way…especially on their child’s birthday
  • Don’t forget about the father.  A lot of times the men get forgotten about as the appear to be just fine.  Where they are just trying to keep it together and be strong for their partner.  Their grief may not surface until farther down the path.
  • It wasn’t your fault


If you are still nervous about what to say or afraid something may not come out right, there are two important things that you can do.  Be there to listen and remember their child.  And don’t forget to still do this down the road.  It’s been over two years for me and in some I am still grieving.  The grieving has changed, but it is still something that is a part of me and I have learned different ways to help me move forward. This is a part of my life and forever will be.

This by no means is an extensive list for either topic.  If you would like to share what has been helpful or not helpful to you after you experienced the loss of your child please share with us in the comment section below.


As I am bouncing my new little guy, I am thinking about Mother’s day.  For those facing a loss, Mother’s Day can be hard to take in.  And when it’s your first child, then what do you do.  Is it still a celebration? It may seem weird to celebrate being a mom when your baby isn’t in your arms, but you should celebrate being a mom.  Honestly, it will be tough, it was for me.  Mother’s Day came just a few short months after we lost Samantha.  It felt right to do a little something, but I also wanted the time to reflect a little as well.  We spent that Mother’s Day enjoying the warmth of the sun (after a very long, snowy Winter), enjoying a coffee beverage & pastry from a local coffee shop, and sitting down by the Mississippi River.

That was two years ago.  It was my very fist Mother’s Day and my daughter was in heaven.  Now, I get to celebrate Mother’s day with her in heaven and our new little guy who arrived in April.  I am a mom times two, but it doesn’t look like it to most people.  We are blessed to have Samantha watching over us, like a beautiful angel.  It all just seems a little surreal.  I am a new mom, but yet I am not.  I have been a mom for two years, but have had different responsibilities than a typical mom does.  And yet, right now I am a first time mom because this is our first child that has successfully made it.  Some time down the road we will have the opportunity to explain to Little Guy that he has a sister.  But for now, I am relishing in the fact that I get to watch him grow…a little too fast it seems sometimes, but I get to watch him grow, change, and learn.  He is such a blessing.  We received a photo frame with a beautiful quote that really says it all: “We made a wish and you came true. And we thank god for the gift of you.”  We made a wish years ago to have children.  The path that we thought we would have taken and the one that has been laid in front of us are two very different things.  While there have been struggles, I wouldn’t change a thing.   I am a mommy x 2!

Happy Mother’s Day to all!  Even if you aren’t able to hold your children in your arms, they are always in your heart.  And even if others can’t see all your children, it doesn’t mean that you aren’t a mom.  You are, and always will be.  Be gentle to yourself today and try to find some joy in it.


From here on out, everything we encountered would be new to us.  In just a few short weeks we went to the perinatal to have a complete scan and ultrasound.  We also got to find out that we were having a boy.  Throughout the early stages of our pregnancy I have been very lucky.  I’ve gotten the chance to hear our little one’s heartbeat every couple of weeks.  This has helped calmed my nerves greatly.  I have to be honest though, there were times in between appointments that I would send an extra prayer or two through the day up to God, as well as nightly prayers that included our baby growing bigger and stronger each day, as well as continue to be healthy.  I still had ups and downs of emotions as time went by.  We began receiving items for Timothy, something that I hadn’t experienced with Samantha.  We also got the nursery completed.  Such a cute room for our little guy and I was excited to see it completed.  However, I also felt guilty that we never got the chance to even begin to get a room ready for Samantha.

Our pregnancy this time around has been completely different than the first time.  I am not sure if I have worried more than those who haven’t experienced a loss, but are currently in their first pregnancy or not.  I know I have run through a lot of emotions.  When I’ve been asked how I am feeling, my usual response is good, excited, a little nervous.  For whatever reason, the a little nervous seems to throw people off some.  I am nervous because this is all new to me.  I am nervous because I know what can happen and things don’t always go the way you think they will.  I am nervous because, while I have a child already, in most people’s eyes I am a first time parent.  This will be our first child that we will get to raise and watch grow up.  As we get closer to our due date I am getting more and more anxious.  Everything is set up and ready to go.  Any day now we will welcome Timothy into our world and get to see him in all his cuteness outside of an ultrasound.  Somewhere down the road we will share with him about his sister.  How he is blessed to have an angel watching over him.  For now, our family of three has grown to four and I couldn’t be happier.  Timothy is our rainbow after the storm.  The road has been tough at times, with lots of twists and turns, with moments of happiness and joy.  The road ahead, will be filled with just as many twists and turns, as well as great moments and memories.  Who knows, maybe one day, our family of four will grow again.

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