The other day I was talking with a friend and she told me that someone close to her had recently experienced a miscarriage. My friend didn’t know what to say to them and turned to my website for insight. Here’s where I have fallen short. This is a topic that I have not written on. Seems a little odd that it hasn’t come out sooner and I apologize to all who have come to the site for help on this topic. For each person who has suffered a pregnancy or infant loss, what to say and not say can differ a little because of how each of handles situations. However, I feel like there are some common things that we either need to hear or don’t need to hear. Some of these have been said to me and some have been said to those who have walked a similar path as I have.
What to not say
- You can still have other children
- It’s better this way or This is God’s way of telling you
- So, when are you going to get back on the horse (the day you are discharged from the hospital)
- You baby has expired
- You need to just get over it or move on
- You shouldn’t dwell in the past or on it
- You should be done grieving by now
- Why don’t you put everything that you have out in honor of them away to help you move forward
- At least you weren’t that far along
- It wasn’t meant to be
- Maybe next time you can take extra vitamins
What to say
- If you need to talk, I am here to listen
- The child’s name, if there wasn’t a name given you can encourage the family to name their child
- Your baby is beautiful
- You are a mom/dad, no matter how many you have lost or even if you do not have other children yet
- We may not always know what we need ourselves, so instead of asking what can you do do something specific for the family. Like…bring meals, meet for coffee
- I’ve been thinking about you. This can still be done months & years down the road
- Remember their child in some way…especially on their child’s birthday
- Don’t forget about the father. A lot of times the men get forgotten about as the appear to be just fine. Where they are just trying to keep it together and be strong for their partner. Their grief may not surface until farther down the path.
- It wasn’t your fault
If you are still nervous about what to say or afraid something may not come out right, there are two important things that you can do. Be there to listen and remember their child. And don’t forget to still do this down the road. It’s been over two years for me and in some I am still grieving. The grieving has changed, but it is still something that is a part of me and I have learned different ways to help me move forward. This is a part of my life and forever will be.
This by no means is an extensive list for either topic. If you would like to share what has been helpful or not helpful to you after you experienced the loss of your child please share with us in the comment section below.