A couple of weeks ago I was stuck in what I would like to call, an in between moment. May 6 and May 13.
May 6 is International Bereaved Mother’s Day. It is a day that was created for those who carry their babies in their hearts, instead of their arms. It gives those who are bereaved moms a chance to come together to honor their children and their loss. The traditional Mother’s Day can be tough for those who have faced the loss of a child.
May 13 is Mother’s day. A concept that seems a little weird. I am a mother. My child may not be in my arms, but I am a mother. So how does one celebrate such a special day when their children aren’t here to help celebrate? One could say that last year was my first Mother’s Day because Samantha came into our world in January. However, you could say that this year was my first Mother’s Day because it is the first one after her original due date. Either way, it is Mother’s Day.
I understand the importance of both days, but this year I felt more yearning, more pull towards Mother’s Day. I had a mix of emotions leading up to the day. I had decided a few weeks back to by a necklace from Tiny Dream Shop that really resonated with me. As this post comes out, I am awaiting for it to arrive. I know it will be beautiful. The Friday before I was at work and kind of on auto pilot. The day began and end with me saying “Happy Mother’s Day! I hope you have a good weekend” to a couple of co-workers. It did my heart good when they said “Happy Mother’s Day” back to me.
Raun and I spent part of the day down by the river. We stopped by Caribou to get a coffee and something to eat first. We sat in the warmth of the sun, enjoying the beautiful day and each others company. I received a beautiful message from my sister in law…”Happy Mother’s Day, Liz. Moms of angels are the strongest ones. Love you and hope you find beauty in your day! ?” At the end of the day it really hit home. While at softball one of the guys on the team asked me how my mother’s day was. After which someone else said, “you are a mother?” To which I responded, “yup!”
Yes, I am a mother. I am proud to be a mom. Though I may not hold my daughter in my arms, I hold her in my heart. Down the road, when we have more kids, I know I will continue to be a great mom. I am a mother.
I have begun work on a new project. For a while now, I have felt a little tug at my heart telling me that I should be giving forward. By this I mean, that I want to reach out to other baby loss families using creativity and crafting. So, Samantha’s Dragonfly was born. If you have read my blog before, you know that dragonflies carry an extra special meaning for me. Like other baby loss families, it’s a special connection to our little ones.
I know that when we face difficult times in our lives our faith can either be destroyed or strengthened. I also know that there are a lot of pregnancy and infant loss families out there, as well as those who support them that have lost their faith because of their loss. While yet, some of those families have gotten a stronger faith because of it.
During this whole process of grief, healing, and trying again it’s hard to not feel defeated sometimes. I’d be kidding myself if I said that I haven’t felt this way on occasion. I find that the feelings of defeat have come more often since we began trying again. It is only human to work ourselves up in anticipation of something, especially when it is something we really want. The higher the anticipation, the greater the reward sometimes. Likewise, the higher the anticipation the greater the fall feels when it doesn’t turn out like we’ve planned. For me, when I am feeling defeated, that seems to be the time when my fears seem to rise up.
Fears…something we think about, something we face almost daily. No matter the look I can put on the outside, there still can be some underlying fears. I am an analyzer, so sometimes those fears are because I over analyze a situation. But there are times when the fears are legitimate. To not let my fears get the best of me I try to work them out. I talk about them, I think them over to see what the real issue is, and sometimes I wait. I wait for God to intervene. Recently my fears have been either linked with teaching or linked with our decision to try again.
After the loss of a child, couples are faced with the grief, the healing process, and the question of do we try again. The grief and healing process come with time. But the question that sits just below the surface, waiting to come out, is do we want to try again. So, are we ready? Do we want to? Are we going to? What if?
Spring is here! Not only does the calendar say it, but so does the weather. For most of us who are in the northern Midwest Spring coming is a great sign. This year Spring seems to be showing up a little bit earlier than usual. It was still Winter when we hit 80 degrees. What that means for the rest of the season and the seasons to follow, I haven’t a clue. What I do know is that I love Spring! Next to Fall, Spring is my other favorite season.
I have always known that I should be sure to take care of myself. Make sure I include doses of things I really enjoy, things I need, and time to relax. As time goes by, it seems that taking care of ourselves slowly works it’s way to the bottom of the to do list. Excuses begin to fill our bucket of why we don’t take care of ourselves. It usually takes something major in our lives to dump that bucket out, completely empty it, and cause us to refill or re-prioritize the items on our to do list.
Honestly this post comes with an inspiration from a sermon I heard. What are the signs of light, love, and hope that you see? This is fairly easy when things are good, but what about when things seem to be at their darkest. How do you find light, love, and hope in the darkness? The blessings in disguise so to speak. Light, love, and hope are always around even at the deepest ruts, ravines, darkness, and despair. They maybe be hard to see or find, but they are there somewhere. They may be hidden or subtle, but they are there.
